My son was 1 and 4 months. Technical types call this 16 months.He was walking, easily, but he hated one thing above all others.He hated closed doors. My daughter, 13 months, is the same right now. Close a door on her and you hear a noise like a bad-tempered Pterodactyl.
So. My 16 month old son was walking about the house, stopping off and playing with things. When he got a full head of steam on he’d run at you and bury his head in your groin. A big headbut to the Family Jewels. Nice.
He was also very strong. If you sat him on your lap to read a story he’d wrestle the book from you. If I was standing in the kitchen he’d come up behind you, grab your legs and twist you and not let go. Like a textbook rugby tackle. That’s the maternal Scottish genes for you.
I’m setting this up. The picture. The title. Some of you might be asking yourself “is he about to say? Oh no! He didn’t did he?” You have a chance to get out now. This is your final warning.
So, one fine day Daddy decides to go for a pee. I quickly nip into the cloakroom and before unbuttoning myself I do a quick tidy of the nappies and wipes which are on the floor. I hear footsteps. I close the door and unbutton. I hear screaming. I’m desperate for a whizz. I start to pee and open the door to reassure T that I’m only in here and I’ll be out in a mo. Quick as a flash he’s in through the door and… No son, stop wrestling my legs. Stop it now. Stop it. You’re grabbing my trousers and squirming. My, you are strong. And I’m mid-stream. Stop it. Son! Stop it. Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
What followed next went in slow motion. It didn’t but if feels like it did. In my head. Now the screaming has stopped.
I pissed in his face.
Not right in his face. On his forehead but you get the picture. And it was only a bit as I stopped as soon as I could. When the horror struck me. And I bathed him quickly and got him clean and dressed and gave him a biscuit. And we never speak of this time.
Now, I simply sit whenever I need to pee. Its popular in Germany apparently. And nicer. Now if my kids come in, I can talk to them and not feel rushed. Plus, my daughter, now 13 months, is just as strong as T was if not stronger. And I’m not going to run the risk of pissing in her face.
Anyone got anything similar to share with the group? Sharing’s good.
First published December 2nd, 2011.