The Brits 2014. RIP rock and roll.

Ellie Goulding

As a parent I feel one of the key things we must do is pass our wisdom and experience on to the next generation, so the next generation can do things better.

And I feel we must do so now, following Wednesday’s Brit Awards. Because this current generation of musicians seem to be a bit vanilla and must to do things better.

Lets face it team, this years Brits Awards wasn’t exactly earth shattering was it? Despite Alex Turner talking about rock and roll it wasn’t, was it? And the mere mention of rock and roll made me feel that it’s presence, or any presence of it, was much missed. Yes, the Arctic Monkeys are as cool as fuck. As their name suggests, they’re so cool they’re practically sub-zero, but his eloquent speech about the nature of rock and roll didn’t exactly rip shit up. And dropping a microphone and saying ‘you can invoice me later’ was about as rock and roll as that uniquely British thing of tripping over a chair leg and apologising to it.

Yes. The Brits Awards. Staple television for anyone of a certain age. Anyone of my age perhaps who remembers Prince coming on back in the day and thanking God, and people thinking he was weird for doing so.

What was weirder was Prince coming on stage with his band, all tooled up with instruments, and not playing.

Brit Award organisers? HELLLOOOOOOOOO! You had Prince in the room? And he didn’t play a note. Epic fail.

Anyhow, I digress. Prince’s appearance wasn’t a surprise really. The surprise performance was Beyonce, in a green dress, (but not a real green dress, that’s cruel) asking people to sing along to a song hardly anyone knew which seemed to be talking about Esso. Beyonce did her thang and then…


…popped on her trainers and legged it. The above picture was taken and put on Instagram before the awards show was even finished. She must’ve been in a hurry to leave. I reckon she’d heard Harry from One Direction was on the prowl.

Katy Perry, Lorde, Bruno Mars, Beyonce, Pharrel Williams, The Legendary Nile Rodgers all performed live. I think that makes it more non-Brits performing at the Brits than Brits.

Which brings me to a sidenote about The Legendary Nile Rodgers. WHEN did he become The Legendary Nile Rodgers? A couple of years back Good Times was being used to advertise Harvester restaurants, and now he’s The Legendary Nile Rodgers. Legendary? Really? Really really? But I digress.

The Brits who performed were… bland. I’ve had more memorable sneezes. Arctic Monkeys were good but cruised it a bit. I have socks older than Disclosure, and I always think Ellie Goulding, despite numerous outfit changes, looks a bit like the temp who should be doing the photocopying. It was all very safe. No edge. Or as if the edges had all been smoothed off.

It was sad to see no Lifetime Achievement Award among the gongs this year. I guess we’ve done that now. There are obviously no people left to honour in such a way. Gary Barlow must’ve been sitting at home chewing on his coffee table. And how Chico was overlooked AGAIN is a fucking injustice from which I shall never recover.

But it was great to see One Direction being honoured in their own special category, the Global Success Award. I honestly think they deserve that, and it wasn’t at all cobbled together to make them look credible in any way, and completely failing to do so. Nope. The Global Success Award can only add to their credibility as artists, and isn’t a sign that this is, and perhaps always has been, an industry event which happens to be on telly.

One Direction could’ve given the event a big of edge. When Harry Styles came on stage as they collected the award he singledhandedly could’ve rescued it. With two words. Instead of saying ‘I went for a wee’ when Liam or whoever asked him where he went and what he was doing he should’ve said ‘Your mum.’

I hope that at Brit School the students, as well as learning how to perform and how to make music, have extra curricular lessons in ‘Ripping Shit Up’ tutored by Liam Gallacher, Jarvis Cocker and that fella from Chumbawumba because the next day there weren’t any real headlines about what people got up to. I wanted to hear about Kate Moss and someone from Rudimental hard at it on a wheelie bin. I wanted a fight between Noel Gallacher and the girl from Same Difference. I wanted some rock and roll. Not a lecture about it.

But instead the event, and the last few minutes turned into the James Corden Show. Multiple thanks were showered upon him for fronting the event for the past five years. That’s fine. He’s a safe pair of hands, and that’s all the event is now. Safe. People of a certain age will watch it and say ‘It wasn’t like this in my day’ and that’s because the music industry is a bit safe now. After all it’s for the kids right? Not for 41 year old grumpy men at home.

At least James Corden didn’t do anything embarrassing…


Thanks for reading.


3 responses to “The Brits 2014. RIP rock and roll.

  1. I’m so past it I didn’t watch it.
    I can’t stand most of today’s rubbish. It’s auto-tuned shit and basically, it’s mute the TV and watch the porn show because that’s what it’s all about these days.
    Can you sing or play a musical instrument? Errr, No.
    Can you gyrate about in your undies and pout? Ooooh Yeah
    It’s shit. Shit Shit SHIT!
    *wanders off to get Urban Hymns out of the CD cabinet*

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