Life Lessons No 1: In the middle of the night



I’m doing a thing.

I’m not a fan of fucking about needlessly and I hate to see people struggle, so this thing I’m doing – Life Lessons – are an attempt at passing on any wisdom I’ve gained during 41 years on this planet you humans call ‘Earth’. I was recently told ‘I was just trying to help’ will be the words on my headstone, so here I am. Helping.

This will be a series of posts which, should I cark it unexpectedly, mean I leave something of value to the world. Something for my children to be proud of. Something which shows that’s the path I once walked, innocently, naively, and here’s what I’ve learned while doing so.

And so, without any further ado here’s Life Lesson No 1: In the middle of the night

Life Lesson No 1: In the middle of the night

If you go to the loo in the middle of the night, while everyone is asleep, and you wish to fart, don’t try to fart quietly. Let it out and be done with it. We all break wind right? Trying to shift an air brick quietly while sitting on the loo means the loo itself will act as an amplifier, and everyone in the house will hear what you’re trying to conceal. If you start to fart and stop, mid go, then you will have to finish it. And you WILL end up sounding like Sonia from Eastenders playing the trumpet. Or like you’re trying to fart the theme tune to Mastermind.

Thanks for reading. Gosh, my children will be so proud of me.

Next up. Life Lesson No 2: Don’t write a letter to the local council in red crayon addressed ‘Dear Quim-pieces’

Do you have any life lessons you wish to pass on? Please fill my comments bucket with your wise words and advice.


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