I posted a Facebook status…

Boat Drunk

Is this you?

On Tuesday I posted a Facebook status which went like this:

Random alcohol-based fact about me: I once got very drunk with the director of the biopic about Nelson Mandela.
Your turn. *Waits patiently*

I didn’t expect anything back. It’s Facebook and Facebook is boring and not as much fun as Twitter right?

HOW WRONG WAS I?

Within minutes this popped up:

  • My friends once threw me in a hedge head first when we were drunk. I was unable to get out and had to be rescued by a bouncer. I’ve also been thrown into a wheelie bin by a man dressed as a monkey.

And then, from someone else:

  • I once got very drunk and set fire to my breasts trying to put out a candle with a glass of brandy’

More and more brilliant stories came up which made my little tale seem so tame and nothingy, and so I’ve decided to share these with the group. Because sharing is caring. And because they are very very VERY funny

You’re welcome.

I’ve protected the anonymity of these friends but I’ll list the stories here. Because I’m nice.

  • I once got so drunk I had to pee in the sink and then got my tights caught on the taps.
  • I once got very drunk, stuck two bottles of WKD down my cleavage. Put both bottle necks in my mouth. Leaned back and downed them both in one. (The liquid not the bottles) What a lady.
    In fact that wasn’t just once .. Oops!!
  • I was once “assisted” into a taxi by former Irish international and then Barnsley FC player Gerry Taggart.
  • I once got drunk and fell off a toilet.
  • On my 31st I fell asleep in a club for about 2 hours but I think my head was down the loo and my trousers were round my ankles and the door wasn’t locked. Classy.
  • I once got so drunk that I went to lean on the sofa and fell behind it, pole axed. I was SO hammered that my husband had to pull me out by my feet.
  • I once got drunk, decided I was hungry so sat on floor in front of fridge. I wabbled and fell over onto my side. Hubby says I was so drunk I fell off the floor.
  •  I may have pole danced round a bus stop.

Someone then commented:

  • Just noticed its all ladies who have replied – we know how to enjoy ourselves obviously.

More stories flowed, like so much booze on a rambunctious night out:

  • Once ended up in the bottom of a built in wardrobe after falling over a guitar, which housemate had carelessly left on its stand in its usual location. And that wasn’t even the time I broke my nose and knocked myself out
  • I once went shopping in Tescos at 9 am while rat-arsed and skiving off work.
  • Recently, my retired parents went on holiday. They went out for a meal and my mum got tricked by the local Metaxa and my dad had to drag her home (well over a mile) by slinging her arms over his shoulders and hauling her (like a coal man carries sacks on his back). I should point out my mum is 5’6″ and my dad is about 5’2″

Dobbing in one’s parents. Oh the shame, but OH HOW FUNNY!

More? You want more? Of course you do.

  • I always think I can vault things when I’m drunk. I always forget I’m only 5 foot 6. Crash and burn! A friend of mine once fell asleep ( drunk) eating weetabix and her head fell in her bowl.
  • I quite often went out with the towns football team and friends a long time ago. One night we were all walking from club to club when I got loads of chip papers from the wheelie bin, rolled them into a ball and challenged him to a game of penalty shoot outs ‘coz I’m ellish at footy
  • There was the time I leaned on my friends door, her mum opened it and I fell on top of her.

THESE THREE WERE ALL FROM THE SAME AWESOME WOMAN WHO I REALLY WANT TO GO DRINKING WITH!

Some more? Oh why not eh.

  • Was so drunk once that I forgot I was in the top bunk and dived head first onto the floor. I then tried to eat a candle to sober myself up. It’s not big and it’s not clever. Funny though.
  • Just remembered, I walked right past Westlife being mobbed by my work colleagues in a hotel lobby at the Christmas doo. To be fair, I wouldn’t have been interested if sober either.
    Actually it might have been Boyzone. Oh dear.
  • I once was drunk and needed a wee sooo badly – hid behind some trees dropped underwear and relief. ….one problem the trees were at top of a small hill, I lost balance and rolled down the hill with said underwear still round my ankles.

We all have roles in society. As parents we’re responsible for small people who we give the best guidance, advice and are their moral compass. As people we might have very important jobs. We’re trustworthy, we have to be reliable and constant, people depend on us.

I once heard a friend say to their teenage child ‘My god, I used to have a life before I had you’ and that might sound odd as one’s life doesn’t stop when one has children, it just becomes different, but one thing is for sure:

My friends sure know how to have a good time.

Please drink responsibly.

Have you got a random alcohol related story or stories you’d like to share with the group? Thanks to all those who contributed to making this day on Facebook one of the funniest ever, and I look forward to hearing your stories. C’mon you lot. ‘Fess up.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

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8 responses to “I posted a Facebook status…

  1. I once got hammered with a lady mate at our cricket club ‘do’, We chased one of the cricketers across the pitch, downed him like a couple of lions on a gazelle…ripped his boxers off and hung them over the bar like a trophy. Shameful behaviour from someone so posh. *hangs head in shame*

  2. I enjoyed this. I feel normal now. On our way home from a long night out me and my friend nicked someone’s trainers that were on the back doorstep (think they’d been in the wash and left out to dry) as our feet hurt. There were 2 of us but only 2 pair of trainers so we compromised and walked home with one trainer and one high heel on each so we would be half comfortable. We felt so bad be sneaked back a few days later and put them back in the persons garden

  3. When crashing with my brother, I heard a loud crash one night while he was meant to be out. I investigated and realised that it was in fact him. He was about to drink a pint of oil. Vegetable cooking oil. I stopped him. I am now wishing I hadn’t stopped him.

  4. Love these stories!!! I have so many but I think the worst was getting so paraletic I fell over my twin sisters dog smashed my whole front tooth out went toilet,came back and only realised when she started crying that I had a missing tooth and blood everywhere. Classy 😉

  5. Hilariously genius. Love all the stories!! Thanks Spencer, any time .. Not that I usually drink hahaha 🙂

  6. I like the tesco one. My husband picked me up from a club one night, he had to stop as I was going to vomit, he told me to vomit in the flower beds of someones garden. I was so upset and emotional about not wanting to be sick on their flowers, it seemed so wrong and thoughtless, so I vomitted in the middle of their drive instead. Oh and I was also covered in kebab from stepping out in front of someone throwing it across the road.

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