‘Daddy, I need to use the toilet’


Back in the olden days, when all this used to be trees, I used to blog about being a dad. A parent. And so I’ve decided to head in that direction, and share a story with you all.

Are you ready? All sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

The three of us, me and my two children, we were on a day trip.We were waiting patiently for our train, due in 10 minutes and then Tiernan said the words you don’t want to hear just as a train is due.

“Daddy. I need to use the toilet.”

“If you can wait you can use the toilets on the train?”

“I can’t wait.”

Okay. So the toilets were up there, along there and over there. Fine. We’d make it there and back in time. So into the lift we went, Keela in the stroller, Tiernan on the buggyboard. Up we went in the SLOWEST lift in the world and I ran across the bridgey thing, pushing the children in stroller/on buggyboard making vroom vroom noises, to where the loos were.

Couldn’t get in. Locked.

There’s a man there. “Could you possibly…”

“Yes, yes, don’t rush me”

Don’t gimme any of your jibber jabber fool! I’m in a hurry with a potentially peeing himself 4 year-old, a train we COULD just miss, but no. You take your time.

I didn’t say that. But I should’ve.

He opens the door, sighing heavily as he does so and in we go. Tiernan does his wee and washes his hands. I decide a comfort break might be a good idea too and try it out for myself. It’s clean in here. And bigger thank the one’s on the train.

Keela sees me peeing and, as she’s new to potty training, decides she wants to go too. On she goes, does her business. We all wash hands and off we go. If’ you’ll pardon the wee-based punnery.

Actually ‘off we’ is quite a good one when talking about washing your hands after using the loo. But I digress.

Actually it’s not that good as who actually wees on their hands?

ANYHOW, I digress.

So, we LEG it to the lift and back down to the platform JUST as the train pulls in. And, well slap my thigh and call me Mildred, IT’S THE BUSIEST TRAIN IN THE WORLD.

It’s come from Waterloo and it’s a match day. Full of football fans. Even sardines would say ‘Look, do me a favour – I’m not going on that’ but we squeeze on, somehow, and the only available space for us is in the vestibule area.

This train is full of people.


So. What a great time for my daughter to say:

“Daddy. When we did a pee in the toilet, I could see you had a willy like a sleepy snail.”

You could see people covering their mouths as they tried not to show how much they were laughing.

Then Tiernan said,

“It is a big willy though Keela.”

Thanks son. Some modicum of decency restored.

“Compared with mine it is anyway”

Oh look, they’re all laughing again. As my 4-year-old son compares his own 4-year-old penis with his fathers. In public. Out loud.
“But you’re right. Daddy’s willy does look like a sleepy snail”

Now some passengers have turned their heads to laugh. That lady looks like she’s got coffee coming out of her nose.

I am very going very red in my very face very now.

“Can we please stop discussing…”

Keela starts singing.

“Daddy’s Willy’s A Sleepy Snail, Daddy’s Willy’s A Sleepy Snail”

And so does Tiernan. Great.

Oh and so do some of the football fans in the train carriage. West Ham fans. Makes a change from ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’ I guess.

I’m reminded of this story as recently, on the phone, my daughter asked me if I still have a willy like sleepy snail. It’s not a question I feel comfortable answering but it is one of those ‘oh my god, did they REALLY say that’ sort of moments. One of those moments that makes you cringe with embarrassment but one which you also want to share with everyone because it is very very funny.

I’ll just keep this story here though. I won’t tell people out loud. For a start, the mental image of my penis looking like a sleepy snail, for anyone, will pretty much mean I’ll never ever ever not bloody ever have sex again.

And no-one reads this. Do they?

What have your precious little bundles of joy said that has mortified you in public? Please share with the group. Sharing is caring right?

And thanks for reading.


8 responses to “‘Daddy, I need to use the toilet’

  1. You have no idea how much this has made me laugh and how much it has cheered me up. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look on it, M is too little to do this to me yet, I’m sure when it does happen though it will be a peach.

  2. Hahaha! That’s the best post I’ve read this week πŸ™‚
    Our 17 month old boy has developed a recent fascination with weeing and last night snuck up behind his Dad (while weeing) and put his hand right in the stream!
    Then today he knelt down in front of me while I wee’d to try to see where it was coming from. (No such luck, massive baby bump blocking view of lady parts – no one has seen them for weeks!)

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