*Puts on some sexy time music* *Dims lights* *Brings over two glasses of wine*
Now. Let’s talk about sex.
Not sex itself. But what happens afterwards. The postcoital moments. That time when your heart is beating fast after delicious moments of absolute pleasure. After the biting and the scratching, the thrusting and the writhing, after the moans and the cries of pleasure have ended and you’re lying there in the afterglow, smiling serenely thinking about exactly what just happened, cuddling and having a bit of a laugh.
It’s not a good time to mention shit is it?
‘Oh my god Spen, that reminds me of the time I almost shit myself’ I was told once.
Nice postcoital chat. Could be worse. It could’ve been the time that person ACTUALLY shit themselves.
I have this effect obvs nobs. Aitch oh tee right?
I’ve had this chat with a few people. Inappropriate things to say during or after sexytime. A friend, (who shall remain anonymous but let’s just call her ‘Anonymous’) told me that she once started talking about the Battle of The Somme after a moment of shared intimate pleasure. As one does.
To be honest, if it was me hearing this and my performance made my partner think of The Battle of The Somme I’d worry a bit. After all, if they didn’t die during the Battle of The Somme then a lot of people came away with shell shock.
Another friend of mine told me some things that she has said at crucial moments which seem inappropriate afterwards, but given the moment were perfectly acceptable.
‘Fuck me harder you fucking fucker.’
‘Your penis isn’t the way I thought it would be’
Apparently making constant reference to the age difference isn’t cool. While on top.
‘You’re very respectful. WHY? Don’t be. I’ll smack you if you hurt me so plough away’
And this one. The same dear friend told me this conversation which she had with her partner at the crucial moment, as the passion built and built…
‘I love fucking you’
‘I SAID I fucking love you’
‘Oh god, no I meant I LOVE FUCKING YOU’
And another friend gave a similar anecdote. A phrase said during the sexytime.
‘If you come inside me I’ll rip your balls off.
‘What time is your mum picking the kids up tomorrow because I’ve got my smear at 3 o’clock’
I had a beauty once. Many years ago. A special moment of sexytime, not making the beast with two backs as such, because I was… well. Down South so to speak. I couldn’t hear very well as I had two thighs clasped to my ears and hands holding my head in place. I heard something was said and I expected it to be something saucy, something about how good this felt. How amazing this was. But then the thighs moved a bit and she repeated herself.
‘Did you not hear me? I asked, how’s your mum?’
And so, do you have any stories you’d like to share with the group? Not about you obviously as we all have ‘friends’ who tell us things. Please leave a comment like ‘Well, my friend told me they once said…’ and we’ll all know exactly what you mean.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments and stories with baited legs.