Coitus Interruptus


*Puts on some sexy time music* *Dims lights* *Brings over two glasses of wine*

Now. Let’s talk about sex.

Not sex itself. But what happens afterwards. The postcoital moments. That time when your heart is beating fast after delicious moments of absolute pleasure. After the biting and the scratching, the thrusting and the writhing, after the moans and the cries of pleasure have ended and you’re lying there in the afterglow, smiling serenely thinking about exactly what just happened, cuddling and having a bit of a laugh.

It’s not a good time to mention shit is it?

‘Oh my god Spen, that reminds me of the time I almost shit myself’ I was told once.

Nice postcoital chat. Could be worse. It could’ve been the time that person ACTUALLY shit themselves.

I have this effect obvs nobs. Aitch oh tee right?

I’ve had this chat with a few people. Inappropriate things to say during or after sexytime. A friend, (who shall remain anonymous but let’s just call her ‘Anonymous’) told me that she once started talking about the Battle of The Somme after a moment of shared intimate pleasure. As one does.

To be honest, if it was me hearing this and my performance made my partner think of The Battle of The Somme I’d worry a bit. After all, if they didn’t die during the Battle of The Somme then a lot of people came away with shell shock.

Another friend of mine told me some things that she has said at crucial moments which seem inappropriate afterwards, but given the moment were perfectly acceptable.

‘Fuck me harder you fucking fucker.’

‘Your penis isn’t the way I thought it would be’

Apparently making constant reference to the age difference isn’t cool. While on top.

‘You’re very respectful. WHY? Don’t be. I’ll smack you if you hurt me so plough away’

And this one. The same dear friend told me this conversation which she had with her partner at the crucial moment, as the passion built and built…

‘I love fucking you’
‘I SAID I fucking love you’
‘Oh god, no I meant I LOVE FUCKING YOU’

And another friend gave a similar anecdote. A phrase said during the sexytime.

‘If you come inside me I’ll rip your balls off.

And another.

‘What time is your mum picking the kids up tomorrow because I’ve got my smear at 3 o’clock’

I had a beauty once. Many years ago. A special moment of sexytime, not making the beast with two backs as such, because I was… well. Down South so to speak. I couldn’t hear very well as I had two thighs clasped to my ears and hands holding my head in place. I heard something was said and I expected it to be something saucy, something about how good this felt. How amazing this was. But then the thighs moved a bit and she repeated herself.

‘Did you not hear me? I asked, how’s your mum?’

And so, do you have any stories you’d like to share with the group? Not about you obviously as we all have ‘friends’ who tell us things. Please leave a comment like ‘Well, my friend told me they once said…’ and we’ll all know exactly what you mean.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments and stories with baited legs.

32 responses to “Coitus Interruptus

  1. I’ll jump straight in shall I? (Said the actress to the bishop…)

    First time Mr Knackers told me he loved me was mid coitus! And another time, this friend of mine, had just finished getting busy, and the guy said “I hope you don’t take this as a reflection on what we just did but I feel really sick.” Friend was mortified.

  2. Wow this is absolutely hilarious! There’s so many different varieties of things that could be said during and after sex that are inappropriate!

  3. I had an internet romance for quite some time, which culminated in us meeting.

    He’d come across as very um er manly online.

    Anyhoo we undressed and I looked down and there was *ahem* the smallest willy I have ever seen in my life and I’ve seen loads!!! (I was a care assistant in a men’s home in a previous life….honest guv)

    Anyhoo its not how big it is its how you use it right? right? Well I’m sorry but I committed the cardinal sin.

    “Is it in yet”

    Oops but genuinely I couldn’t tell.

  4. My half sister was proposed to at the crucial moment. She didn’t feel like it was an appropriate time to say no. The engagement didn’t last long lol

  5. A friend had sex with a man and then leaned over the side of the bed and was sick. She wiped her mouth, turned to the guy and said ” I’m sorry, I think I’m a lesbian.”

  6. Once during the predlude, partner screamed out as we were having a bit of slap and tickle . Not in ecstasy but the cat had spotted something hanging over the bed and took a lovely wide swipe and it , clawing his bits to ..well…bits.

  7. The ‘friend’ and her lover had been at it all night outdoors in a sleeping bag next to a cosy fire in the woods close to the highway . Snoozing after all the ‘acrobatics’ when she felt licking her ear. Nooo she said, not again already! What pills did you take? I need an hour sleep. I can’t f… no more.
    Then she heard a man call his dog to stop it and come back….

  8. This is amazing and has made me laugh so hard I almost pee’d myself.

    I had a friend who didn’t so much say anything during the crucial moment but something happened. A fanny fart. Of course being mortified in the situation and probably trying to ignore it the poor blokey carried on, to which another fanny fart happened. My friend started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop. The poor man just kept going until he reached his happy ending my friend was just there in fits of laughter and said “really sorry about that it was just funny. Shows I like you because I didn’t run away crying from embarrassment”

    I’ve been in a situation where during the moment a bloke said to me “oh god you’re so much better than my ex, oh yes so much better than her” then screamed her name as he reached the magic moment… That’s was fun…

    Oh god there are so many funny moments involving sex, I do find though that when you’ve found someone you can laugh about these thing with and appreciate the humour in inappropriate moments during sex you’ve found the one. I had a coughing fit and had to tell the OH to get off me and not come back near me because trying to kill me during sex wasn’t particularly fair. We still laugh about it, if that had been with someone else I think I’d have died.

  9. I must admit I did have a good laugh at this post and comments. A friend of mine told me once he was making love to his girlfriend on the balcony whilst on holiday at just at that happy moment they heard “snap” in shock he looked up to see a family playing cards around the table on the next balcony oh well never mind they had a laugh about it later obviously my friends not the other people lol

  10. ha ha this post really made me laugh – this is my ultimate fave – β€˜You’re very respectful. WHY? Don’t be. I’ll smack you if you hurt me so plough away’ – pure gold πŸ™‚

  11. A friend of mine said to her partner after sex, “Can you say thanks to the girl you’re cheating on me with cause that’s the best it’s ever been.” Another friend said, “Are you sure your not gay because you keep going for the wrong hole?” Another friend said, “I think it’s time I gave up eating you it’s becoming an addiction.” My friends obviously talk about sex a lot!

  12. Absolutely hilarious post Spencer, wish I could contribute my own sexy time moment, but my memory’s not that great…..*coughs*…and moving swiftly on…..I especially look forward to hearing you read this post out aloud at the next BiBs!!!

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