This is not helping me sleep. I’m counting like the fella off Sesame Street. Mwaahaa haa.
She suggested I imagine a leaf, falling onto a lake, and then watch that leaf float and move on the water.
Alright love, first the stars, now a leaf. Okay… I’m visualising a leaf.
I now have to relax.
I’m still thinking of the leaf. I’m not asleep.
My sadness is a tunnel. And there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Visualise that for me. Or don’t she says.
Another confusing woman. Just tell me what to do it and I’ll do it. Don’t give me options! Options confuse me. I’m a bear of little brain. What do you want?
Now I have to visualise a future. A happy one. Sadly my happy future, that which I’ve wanted for months, can’t be. I think. I do as she says. Thinking of this makes me sad.
And now I’m awake. And now I’m crying.
I have to feel my body heavy on my bed.
Now I’m walking down some stairs. My body shifting downwards. She’s counting the stairs for me.
We’ve been going like this for 6 hours.
I try to relax and listen. She tells me I’m a good person and a worthy person. She tells me I’m a beautiful person with a good heart and a soul.
I laugh. It’s nice of her to say that but we barely know each other. She’s supposed to be hypnotizing me not chatting me up.
The laughter dissipates this clinging, soupy fog of sadness and I get up. It’s 5am and I still have the rest of the day to get through. I look abject, I look tired and I look scared. I haven’t slept and hope that tonight will be different.
Might take her to bed again tonight, see what happens.
Thanks for reading.