Trying to get some sleep

Sleep
I’ve not been sleeping well lately. Lots on my mind for a LONG time and some recent sadness. There have been nights where I’ve not slept at all. Some where I’ve slept a bit, then woken up with a start. Times where I’ve felt afraid of going to sleep. Afraid of seeing people in my dreams who I miss beyond words. That thing when you wake up, and in the drowsy hug you feel Life all seems okay. All seems well. And then your brain clicks in to remind you it isn’t. And that drowsy hug disappears. PDQ.
I’ve exercised. A lot. Doesn’t seem to make me tired. Had long hot baths. Nope. So I’ve been looking online to find things to help me to sleep. I found something which is an 8hr hypnosis thing on Youtube, so I thought I’d give it a shot.Headphones on and there I am in bed. A softly spoken woman tells me I shouldn’t be doing this while driving, I’m not driving. I’m in bed. I guess there are disclaimers for everything nowadays.She tells me that I must concentrate on my breathing and not force it. She tells me that whatever pain I have isn’t needed. She tells me to imagine counting stars, and then she counts them. And then she counts the stars disappear. One by one.Alright love I’m trying to get some sleep. You’re supposed to be hypnotising me to sleep. Or I’m supposed to be allowing you to hypnotise me to sleep. Fine. I’ll do it. One, two, three… five hundred… five hundred and one….

This is not helping me sleep. I’m counting like the fella off Sesame Street. Mwaahaa haa.

She suggested I imagine a leaf, falling onto a lake, and then watch that leaf float and move on the water.

Alright love, first the stars, now a leaf. Okay… I’m visualising a leaf.

I now have to relax.

I’m still thinking of the leaf. I’m not asleep.

My sadness is a tunnel. And there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Visualise that for me. Or don’t she says.

Another confusing woman. Just tell me what to do it and I’ll do it. Don’t give me options! Options confuse me. I’m a bear of little brain. What do you want?

Now I have to visualise a future. A happy one. Sadly my happy future, that which I’ve wanted for months, can’t be. I think. I do as she says. Thinking of this makes me sad.

And now I’m awake. And now I’m crying.

I have to feel my body heavy on my bed.

Saucepot.

Now I’m walking down some stairs. My body shifting downwards. She’s counting the stairs for me.

We’ve been going like this for 6 hours.

I try to relax and listen. She tells me I’m a good person and a worthy person. She tells me I’m a beautiful person with a good heart and a soul.

I laugh. It’s nice of her to say that but we barely know each other. She’s supposed to be hypnotizing me not chatting me up.

The laughter dissipates this clinging, soupy fog of sadness and I get up. It’s 5am and I still have the rest of the day to get through. I look abject, I look tired and I look scared. I haven’t slept and hope that tonight will be different.

Might take her to bed again tonight, see what happens.

Thanks for reading.

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23 responses to “Trying to get some sleep

  1. My God it sounds so bloody frustrating!! I also have sleep probs with my M.E so I know how it can take over your thinking. It might be easier for me to say that do but I have gotten into a habit of listening to audiobooks before sleeping. Sounds daft but actually is quite relaxing to have someone tell you a story – but pick books that would would naturally go for and that way you will be interested! I use mine on headphones with an old CD player- has worked in a way for me- still have trouble but the books take my mind off things without the pressure of actually ‘reading’ the words 🙂

    • Thanks. I’ll give it a bash. Think I need something to take my mind off things fo’ sho’ and this sounds a great idea.

      Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. 🙂

  2. I completely understand the no sleep issue. My mind just races some nights, making it difficult to turn off, or the physical pain I suffer keeps me awake. I don’t think there is an easy answer for either of us, except to just keep trying and one morning we will wake up, and say WOW, I slept.

    • I’m sorry to hear you know what I mean. Mind racing and while I don’t have the pain you have, the mind racing ting is what keeps me awake.
      Keep trying and yes. I hope you do wake up feeling refreshed and saying ‘WOW, I slept!’

      Thanks for reading and for your comment.

  3. Though I can’t relate to what you’re going through, I can relate to insomnia. I’ve suffered with it on and ofc ever since I was pregnant with my little boy and am currently in another horrid cycle of it – one week of little or no sleep and counting.
    So sorry that you’re going through such a rough time and really hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve soon x

    • Me too but it’ll be the same recording, so perhaps something has sunk in and tonight I’ll be more up for it. So to speak.

      Thanks for commenting.

  4. I am a dreadful sleeper, so definitely not the best person to answer this, I’m lucky to get more than 4 hours any night. I have tried a multitude of sleep aids and none have worked, but I took part in a sleep experiment for silent night recently and they sent me some L’Occitane pillow spray and although it didn’t make me sleep any longer, it really did help me to switch off and drift off easier. I’ve been using it ever since and I think it helps a little.

    I do hope you can crack this and get some sleep, I know how rotten I feel most of the time, so can sympathise with you. xx

  5. I wouldn’t take her to bed again she sounds insane. Seriously, that sounds tough. You might need to pull out the medication big guns – insomnia and low mood linked to grief tend to go hand and hand. But the chemical imbalance can be easily corrected. I am sure you’ve considered all the options though. Take care

    • Thank you. Yes, I have considered them and if nothing changes in the next few days that’s what I’ll be doing next week.
      Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment.

  6. Big hugs xx When i was going through a period of sadness I used to find listening to talk radio used to drown out my internal monologue enough to nod off , hope you get some decent kip soonest xx

  7. How do you make something sad still sound so funny? I couldn’t help but laugh at the dirty wench trying to chat you up. I always have issues “switching off” at night and cannot go to sleep unless there is white noise to drown out the dross in my head. I find TV on a low volume does the trick. Must be loud enough to hear the words (or else I’ll be even more awake straining to hear them), but not so loud as to get my full attention. Also tend to leave a low light on.

  8. Spencer, I really feel for you. I am currently taking anti-depressants for stress and anxiety, and my insomnia is driving me to breaking point. When I talk to my Doctor about my difficulty sleeping, he says its all linked, but doesn’t offer a solution.
    I struggle for hours at bedtime trying to relax enough to doze off, and every little sound disturbs me. Between 1am and 3am I am wide awake again, and by 6am when my eldest wakes up, I am even more tired than I was at bedtime!
    I recently started listening to the chillpod from Thinking Slimmer. Their weight loss cd certainly helped me, and so far the chillpod seems to be too. The last 2 nights I’ve fallen asleep more quickly, and my stupid o’clock wakefulness didn’t last for very long this morning.
    I hope your strange lady helps you, and if I see a big improvement from my chillpod., I’ll let you know. I’ve only been on it a couple of days.
    Sending lots of love and sleepy-vibes.
    Jen. Xxx

  9. I don’t usually recommend things to help with sleep but my youngest found Bach Rescue Night really helpful in stopping the whirring thoughts that wouldn’t shut up any other way. Not sure it helped her sleep as such but she was much calmer after taking it. I absolutely hate it when I can’t sleep (which is sadly too often) and I now read my kindle or a book, nothing too heavy but the act of turning the light on and doing something tends to make me heavy eyed.

    Cannot imagine how you managed 6 hours of that woman – well done for not throwing it against the wall!

    • Thanks for your suggestion. Actually the woman is quite cool. She’s very supportive, tells me how to breathe to calm down a bit, and also talks to me about whatever pain I’m suffering from isn’t worth considering right now. She’s right. It isn’t. She can stay.

  10. I feel your pain. I have the worst insomnia. But I find it so easy to sleep during the day. If only those pesky things like children and work weren’t so demanding, I might actually get some good naps. I wish you Hood Sleep!

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