Yesterday I did nothing.
I felt a bit rubbish to be honest. Nothing terrible, certainly not depressed, just very tired and a bit concerned that, despite my efforts, the situation with my mum is not changing and not improving as I’d like. A wise and honest friend suggested this morning that perhaps she was relying on me too much right now, and I think this is the case. Actually I know this is the case. There must be another way. I certainly don’t seem to be making much headway, not as much as I hoped and we’re not in the place I expected us to be right now. My fault I’m sure. I just haven’t done enough and yesterday I actually achieved nothing.
I got up, made breakfast for mum. Handled her morning meltdown and, rather than sitting down and watching her struggle as she tends to want me to do, I offered words of comfort and suggested she try to relax. She didn’t listen but I talked to her about daft things while cleaning the kitchen and reorganising a cupboard which had got out of hand. She’d put things in a bit randomly and stuff was in danger of falling out and breaking which isn’t safe for her. I organised the online shop, I mopped the floors and hoovered and chatted to her about things she liked and the children, to take her mind away from what was troubling her.
I hoovered her bedroom, changed her bedding and she went for a lie down. I suggested watching a movie but she wasn’t up for it.
I mopped the flooring in the hallway, contacted electricians for times when they can come to fix something in the kitchen. The builder employed to renovate the house a few years back was a bigger cowboy than John Wayne so things need to be done to make an easier sale. Things I can’t do. I’m good but I’m not that good.
I made lunch for later and then sorted the washing. It had been a hard night so I dozed for 40 minutes as I was quite tired. I had an odd dream. I saw a face, a friend once was. It was good to see them again as I’d been missing them but then not so good as I know I’ll never see them again. I woke up from this light doze and my head felt weird, but that was because the cat was sitting on it.
I did some ironing and took the rubbish out and sorted the recycling. I thought about dinner and mum got up, and we chatted again. She’s desperate to get out of this mental health assessment appointment she has next week and I’m dreading that day as there will be drama. We talked for a while and she seemed to want to explain why she gets so anxious, but got anxious because the words weren’t coming out. Then there was a meltdown.
I made dinner and mum got confused, put the food on in the sink, and poured water on everything. That was dinner then, so I made another dinner quickly and calmed her down. I made her a cup of tea and she watched TV while I wrote some emails, rearranged a few plans I have as we’re not in the place we need to be just now. I also contacted a few organisations about providing more structured care for my mum, but she’s not keen on this idea. We talked about it, I made another tea, she told me she’s not keen on it and had a meltdown. I got her to drink some water and ran her a bath, which she refused to have, and then went to the shop for some emergency biscuits.
It was around 7pm and I thought I’ve done fuck all today.
Caring innit. I guess this means, right now, I’m a full-time carer I guess and I hadn’t thought about it like that, or if I had then it hadn’t sunk in. But haven’t I done that sort of thing before? When I was a stay at home dad with two children?
No. It’s different from that time. When the children were ill plans went out the door. The hoovering didn’t happen that day but it was fine as the house wasn’t a midden. The washing could wait. The dinner could be a quick something from the freezer for the adults and something I know the kids love. No great stretch. Okay, so we’d done nothing and achieved nothing, but we’d watched a couple of DVD’s on the sofa under a blanket, had lots of cuddles, but the fact that T&K were sleeping soundly in their beds that night meant I’d achieved something.
In the case of mum, I don’t get that feeling. As I was washing up and preparing food for the freezer for when I’m out on Saturday, I thought “Today I did nothing.”
Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m whingeing about it. Which means today, at least, I’ve done something.
Thanks for reading.