Achieving Nothing

Nothing

Yesterday I did nothing.

I felt a bit rubbish to be honest. Nothing terrible, certainly not depressed,  just very tired and a bit concerned that, despite my efforts, the situation with my mum is not changing and not improving as I’d like. A wise and honest friend suggested this morning that perhaps she was relying on me too much right now, and I think this is the case. Actually I know this is the case. There must be another way. I certainly don’t seem to be making much headway, not as much as I hoped and we’re not in the place I expected us to be right now. My fault I’m sure. I just haven’t done enough and yesterday I actually achieved nothing.

I got up, made breakfast for mum. Handled her morning meltdown and, rather than sitting down and watching her struggle as she tends to want me to do, I offered words of comfort and suggested she try to relax. She didn’t listen but I talked to her about daft things while cleaning the kitchen and reorganising a cupboard which had got out of hand. She’d put things in a bit randomly and stuff was in danger of falling out and breaking which isn’t safe for her. I organised the online shop, I mopped the floors and hoovered and chatted to her about things she liked and the children, to take her mind away from what was troubling her.

I hoovered her bedroom, changed her bedding and she went for a lie down. I suggested watching a movie but she wasn’t up for it.

I mopped the flooring in the hallway, contacted electricians for times when they can come to fix something in the kitchen. The builder employed to renovate the house a few years back was a bigger cowboy than John Wayne so things need to be done to make an easier sale. Things I can’t do. I’m good but I’m not that good.

I made lunch for later and then sorted the washing. It had been a hard night so I dozed for 40 minutes as I was quite tired. I had an odd dream. I saw a face, a friend once was. It was good to see them again as I’d been missing them but then not so good as I know I’ll never see them again. I woke up from this light doze and my head felt weird, but that was because the cat was sitting on it.

I did some ironing and took the rubbish out and sorted the recycling. I thought about dinner and mum got up, and we chatted again. She’s desperate to get out of this mental health assessment appointment she has next week and I’m dreading that day as there will be drama.  We talked for a while and she seemed to want to explain why she gets so anxious, but got anxious because the words weren’t coming out. Then there was a meltdown.

I made dinner and mum got confused, put the food on in the sink, and poured water on everything. That was dinner then, so I made another dinner quickly and calmed her down. I made her a cup of tea and she watched TV while I wrote some emails, rearranged a few plans I have as we’re not in the place we need to be just now. I also contacted a few organisations about providing more structured care for my mum, but she’s not keen on this idea. We talked about it, I made another tea, she told me she’s not keen on it and had a meltdown. I got her to drink some water and ran her a bath, which she refused to have, and then went to the shop for some emergency biscuits.

It was around 7pm and I thought I’ve done fuck all today.

Caring innit. I guess this means, right now, I’m a full-time carer I guess and I hadn’t thought about it like that, or if I had then it hadn’t sunk in. But haven’t I done that sort of thing before? When I was a stay at home dad with two children?

No. It’s different from that time. When the children were ill plans went out the door. The hoovering didn’t happen that day but it was fine as the house wasn’t a midden. The washing could wait. The dinner could be a quick something from the freezer for the adults and something I know the kids love. No great stretch. Okay, so we’d done nothing and achieved nothing, but we’d watched a couple of DVD’s on the sofa under a blanket, had lots of cuddles, but the fact that T&K were sleeping soundly in their beds that night meant I’d achieved something.

In the case of mum, I don’t get that feeling. As I was washing up and preparing food for the freezer for when I’m out on Saturday, I thought “Today I did nothing.”

Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m whingeing about it. Which means today, at least, I’ve done something.

Thanks for reading.

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10 responses to “Achieving Nothing

  1. You didn’t do nothing. You did so much for your Mother. Its hard to see that but you did. Been where you are now and its not easy. Wishing you all the strength and love that you need

  2. I’ve never been a carer, but you’re right – it must be a lot different to parenting. I hope you get to see some positive changes soon.

  3. Spencer, it sounds like you achieved a great deal to me! You’ve looked after your Mum whilst she is unwell, you’ve helped her through several meltdowns, you’ve done lots of housey jobs and made several meals- and you’ve done it all with love and calm and kindness.
    I have no idea how you are doing all this and keeping it together- it must be SO hard! I have huge respect for you right now, and I know you will find the strength to continue to be there for your Mum.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself, ok?
    Jen. Xxx

    • It also feels, if I’m honest, like a big pain in the arse at times, but we’ll get there. I know I’m the only one who can facilitate any real change so gotta keep on keeping on.
      Thanks for reading. 🙂

      • Of course it does. But reading your posts is inspiring for those who can empathise *mind the big a*** cliche*. And so… we kiss you {on both cheeks}…

  4. Maybe I’m reading this differently because I’m a carer. My youngest son needs watching all the time and yet somehow I have to get the stuff done as otherwise it doesn’t get done – and that’s not really an option.
    BUT I think you should read it back – you did absolutely loads. What is it that you think that you should be doing?
    You are amazing, and it may not feel like your mom is getting anywhere, but where would she be without you?

  5. Ah this sounds so tough. I cared for my Mum on and off and those were really difficult times. There’s something very sad about a parent being ill, especially when they don’t seem to understand things. I hope you’ll be able to find some additional support and care for your Mum. It’s a whole new world to navigate.

  6. Don’t be so hard on yourself. What you did that day was more than some people do in a week. You are caring for you Mum, that is a BIG responsibility and by the sounds of it you are doing brilliantly. Just think about what would happen if you were not there caring for her. Be proud of yourself.

    Thank you for linking up with The Weekend Blog Hop

    Hope to see you again this week.

    Laura x x x

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment. Sometimes it feels a bit much. Can’t get the time to do what I want to do, like respond to comments, but things will even out soon. I hope. 🙂

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