The Blue Star House

Blue Star

Over the past few days I’ve been with my son and daughter, while my ex has been out of the country, and my son has been talking about a place called The Blue Star House. He calls it ‘my Blue Star House.’

I’ve gone with it and listened to what he’s said, not understanding much of what he’s talking about, but it sounds fantastic! He goes there in his Blue Star car and it’s got all sorts of things in it. It’s got his toys from when he was a baby, it’s got a cinema in it, it’s got his friend Thomas The Tank Engine, it sounds great. The Blue Star House is a place in his imagination.

I’ve asked him questions about The Blue Star House to find out what it’s all about, and perhaps a bit more about him and his imagination, but he just keeps telling me the same things. It’s got his toys from when he was a baby, it’s got a cinema in it. Actually he told me this part while we were sitting on the sofa the other day about to watch a DVD. He was pretending the living room was a cinema, and he was in charge of the cinema. He’s a generous cinema owner, you should all come along. He gave us all sweeties and tucked us up with a blanket and then came and joined us and we watched Up. I wonder if the cinema in his Blue Star House is like this? If so, it’s cool. I want to be in his Blue Star House.

This morning, on the way to preschool I decided to find out as much as I could about this Blue Star House as some things became… I dunno. Something.

Clearer perhaps.

The front door to his house is blue, and hanging from the back of the door, glinting in the light through the window is a star. His house has a pretend cinema, his house has all the toys from when he was a baby, his house has lots of versions of his friend Thomas The Tank Engine.  So perhaps I’m just misunderstanding and it’s not a place in his imagination, it’s his home. His real home and I’m just not understanding.

“It has a cinema daddy, and all my toys from when I was a baby. It has my friend Thomas. It has Keela, my beautiful sister and a cinema and… errrrrrrmmmm…”

It’s becoming obvious now. He calls HIS actual house ‘my Blue Star House.’ Right. Got it. On message now Tiernan, now I’m with you.

“So your house, where you live, that’s your Blue Star House?”

“No Daddy. Silly Daddy. It’s in my sleep.”

“Sorry Tiernan? It’s a dream? It’s a dream house?”

“I go to my Blue Star House when I go to sleep Daddy. And in my Blue Star House there’s a cinema, and all my toys from when I was a baby, and my friend Thomas. And my beautiful sister Keela, and my Mummy and Daddy. And we all live together forever and we all live happily ever after. I love my Blue Star House.”

I kissed my son’s head. And took a big deep breath as we carried on our way.

I held it together. I held it together long enough to sing songs on the way to preschool, to take their coats off and kiss them goodbye and say see you later. I held it together until I got round the corner and went to the cemetery and sat down on the bench in the corner. I held it together that long and then I just wept. I wept huge tears that fell at my feet while I sat shaking, angry at myself for not understanding, angry at myself for a lot of things, angry at others, and sad, overwhelmingly sad because…

I cried those tears because my insides felt crushed.

I cried those tears because I can’t make my son’s dreams come true.

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14 responses to “The Blue Star House

  1. Oh Spencer, how could you understand instantly? That would have made you superhuman and you’re “only” a super dad. I think it’s amazing that Tiernan can share his desires and dreams with you, he is a lucky boy to have that ability to verbalise so well so young.

    I wish I could say something more comforting, but he will grow up in your love, and hopefully knowing that he will always be able to tell you what is on his mind. That is a very precious gift for any child to have.

  2. Spencer, mate… You’re in the top half-dozen bravest bloggers that I know. Me, I wouldn’t have made it to that bench. Honest. [shoulder squeeze]

  3. That is a beautiful post, despite the anguish. The only thing I would say is that it’s because he so loves being with you that he wishes you were still resident and he so loves being with you because you give out so much and are a great father and so let that fact nibble away at your guilt a bit. Friend of mine’s ex cut all ties with his 10yo when they divorced recently. Result: emotional devastation.

  4. That dream is lovely but there will be many more in which you will make come true and be a huge part of and this shows that although you arent there in his real house all the time he holds you very close that you are with him when he is at his most relaxed and vulnerable and loves you

  5. I’ve cried so many tears like that. I have to keep reminding myself that if me and the ex were still together with the children, life really wouldn’t be the way they imagine it would. It would be full of stress and simmering-under-the-surface anger, and none of us would be happy.

    We can all make new happy futures which far outstrip the ones which might have been, I reckon.

    • You’re absolutely right. Two happy parents is so much better than the possible alternative, and my ex and I do have a chance at being happy and therefore, I dunno, better parents perhaps? Dunno. But happy is good as opposed to the other which can only be tougher for everyone around you.

      Thanks for your comment, and thanks for reading.

  6. I haven’t cried at blog post in quite some time. This ended the dry spell. How poignant. How adorable. It also makes me sad for my situation and the possibilities of moments like those happening with me and my baby girl. I guess you just have to remind yoruself that moments like these show how much he loves you and everyone in his family. Children can never have too many people that love them and it’s clear they are loved dearly. It’s tough love, isn’t it? x x

    • Thanks for reading, it’s very much appreciated. We have a small family but those who do know our children know them and love them for who they are and what they are, and for the joy and love of life that is so obvious in everything they do. If that’s there for all to see then, despite everything, it means my ex and I are doing something right. And we will always strive to do so.

  7. This resonated with me. As a single mum for many years I had moments like this. And now that my daughter is 15, and I have only a few more years to give her a happy childhood, I feel more than a bit desperate. But I keep trying to remember that just because I can’t give her everything doesn’t mean she isn’t happy and doesn’t mean she won’t have great childhood memories. I don’t know. This isn’t an adequate comment on what you’ve written. But I’m trying to say I understand some of this.

    • You sound like you have the best attitude and I’m sure that your daughter has many happy memories and feels the love that is so obvious in your comment. Thank you for your comment and thank you for reading.

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