Hanging on

Hanging On

I made a phone call yesterday. The reasons are unimportant, I may go into them later, but it left me frustrated. It took me ages to get through, then I finally got to speak to someone, the wrong person, and they asked me to hold. Which I did. For 36 minutes.

Fuck knows what they did in those 36 minutes. Went off for a cuppa, ON MARS? Nipped off for a shit? Popped to the shop? Put together some flatpack furniture? Have a wank? God knows. But the one thing they didn’t do is connect me to the person I was supposed to speak to. All in all, I’d spent 51 minutes for something to be resolved, an answer, and got nowhere.

To say I was annoyed, as the dialtone clicked in signalling I’d been cut off, is putting it mildly. I was furious.

Actually I was speechless, and then a very great deal of swearing occurred.

There were times during this call that I thought ‘fuck it, I’ve had it. Had enough’ and almost put the phone down, thinking I’d call back later when it was less busy. But I’d spent all that time and effort getting to that point it seemed stupid to just chuck it all in and hang up. The minutes ticked by and, well, after a while you think to yourself ‘I’ve been hanging on this long I may as well hang on a bit longer.’

Would I have felt better if I’d been the one ending the phone call and calling back later? Possibly. I could’ve got on with something in that 36 minutes I wasted. I could’ve gone of for a cuppa, done a shit, popped to the shop, started putting together a BILLY bookcase. Had a wank. ALL OF THAT! I can put a BILLY together in under 15 minutes so I know I’m capable.

I think I should’ve hung up, in retrospect. It was a waste of time and fury, and in that time I spent hanging on, I went through a lot of emotions and feelings which, as the phone clicked, meant the most unpleasant language known to man spilt from my gobhole. Every swear word I know came out of my mouth, along with a few completely made up ones.

It kinda went like this “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHFUCKSHITWANKARSECOCKSUCKINGWANKBANGINGSPISMTWATS.” But worse.

But the phone call WAS important. It needed to be made. It was worth hanging on as, if I’d got through to who I needed to speak I would’ve found out what I needed to know and something would’ve been done. Something would’ve been resolved. So, once the anger subsided I took a big deep breath and rang the number again. I’m not known for my patience, but I know I had to show some restraint in this case. I called again and went through the same procedure as before, but this time I got through to the right person.

And they’ll be sending the correct screws in the post, so I’ll have that bookcase up by the end of the week.

Actually, that was a joke trying to make light of a crap situation.

I will explain why I made the phone call, lest anyone think that this is an extended metaphor for something other. I’m reassuring like that.

The phone call related to the situation with my mum. I went to see her and she was in bed, confused and crying. I thought to myself “Fuck. Is she like this every day and she’s just not told anyone?” I made her some food, a cup of tea, did some jobs around the house, did her shopping and all she did in that time was cry. It had been obvious that she’d not eaten anything for days, and my first thought was to call her GP and get him involved, or simply call an ambulance as I was concerned beyond concerned. But my mum is stubborn, and she was adamant that she didn’t want anyone to see her, didn’t want to go to hospital and simply wanted to be left alone. My suggestions of help were making her more and more upset.

The phone call I made was to try to get some help put in place for her, now, but it felt wrong to be talking about this with someone as it’s against her wishes. But I had to. I’d be a shit son if I didn’t, and no sort of person at all if I didn’t stand up and do something. It may be going against her wishes but it’s also the right thing to do. Isn’t it?

I guess it’s all about choices. I think my mum is choosing to die, slowly, as she sees no life left for her, and certainly not one without pain or illness. I can’t change her mind it seems. And I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I’m hanging on again I guess.

I just called her and she told me she’s fine but she didn’t sound it. I tried to sound upbeat and positive and she said she’ll call me back later. The next step is this, I think, and my aunt and I talked about this at some length last night: if she sounds bad later on today then we’ll go to see her this evening and take her to hospital. We’ll get shouted at, screamed at, and it’ll be very hard work but it has to be done.

Fuck me, do I need a hug right now as I have a LOT on my plate.

But don’t we all eh?

Ach, enough of the self-pitying bullshit. Things have gotta change.

Thanks for reading, and any advice would be very welcome.

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21 responses to “Hanging on

  1. She won’t like what you’re doing (and I’m not even sure of the situation), but it sounds to me like you’re doing the right thing.

    I have no answers, but if I could hug you I would.

    • Thanks. I am doing the right thing but to her it’s the TOTALLY wrong thing and somewhere there’s a middle ground but I just can’t work out what that is yet.

  2. Oh your poor mum. And poor you.

    It must be horrible to have to go against her wishes but with you and your aunt agreed, it really is the best thing for her by the sounds of it and I truly hope you can get the support you all need. Especially your mum.

    • Thanks. I’m just worried she’s starving herself and is dehydrated, as she did seem so confused. I got her to eat and drink a bit but it was a struggle.

  3. That is certainly a shite phone call to make, and worthy of the swearing and a hug.
    It might be worth getting the GP to do a home visit, he might be able to advise you on what,if anything, you can do to help your ma.

  4. I think a visit to the GP would start an assessment for home care for your mum. I’m no expert but that’s how it was for my Nan. She ended up with four visits a day, getting her up and dressed, giving her food and providing company when we couldn’t be there. In her case the GP was key. Hope things improve for all.

    • We took her to the GP last Thursday but the GP can only go from what she said, and she told the GP she doesn’t need this. She’s a nightmare at times my mum!

      Thanks for reading.

  5. Difficult times hon. If she has a particular illness there may be a support network they could provide. Macmillan were brilliant with my mum, who also took to starving herself – the only control she had left.
    But definitely a home visit from the doctors who also could put you in touch with some support.

    Huge hug. X

  6. It is so hard when our parents are ill and can’t make rational decisions. Sending you hugs and strength, I know you will needs loads of it, remembering my experiences of taking care of my father. It is very hard on you, please take care of yourself.

  7. Rubbish that you were made to hold for so long. Rubbish that’s the situation both you and your Mum are in. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I’d shout fuck a few more times at volume if I were you. Chuck a big fat cocking fuck twat in the as well. Big fucking hug to you mate. X

  8. My advice would be to take some of what’s on your plate off. You are in very early stages of recovering from a near suicide and you seem to be spending a lot of time taking on other people’s problems again. Granted, she’s your mother, and I’m not saying you need to sit and twiddle your thumbs as life passes by but you do need to rest and you do need to take some of the stresses out of your life so you can rejuvenate and learn how to live in and think in a healthier way. Make a list of all the things on your plate and cross some off. Others can take them on or they don’t need to be dealt with now. You need Spencer time at the moment. with love, Jenny

  9. You know you are doing the right thing Spencer and you probbaly also know that the likely next step is around someone assessing her capacity to feed. hydrate and care for herself – this is usually a medical assessment so GP or hospital are definitely your first port of call. They may well involve an MHO.

    Of course your Mum, like everyone else has a right to choices but what the professionals need to decided is if she is making informed choices and she is able to understand the consequences of her choices. From what you have shared with us previously about your Mum’s drinking it is very likely that she has some impairment in that choice making process. Which is why you are doing the right thing – but it doesn’t make it an easy thing to do.

    Big Hugs, because this is going to get a rougher ride before it gets better.

    • Thanks. She has a hospital appointment tomorrow so hopefully they might pick up on her situation. We’ve called her and she flatly refuses any assistance and screamed at us so I guess it’s all down to her now.

  10. I am so very sorry to hear that your mum is in such a bad way and that you’re stuck right in the middle of trying to do what is best for her but also not upset her too much. That is an awful place to have to be! I am sending you the biggest cyber hug ever!!!

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