So I’ve been depressed and low, and still feel a bit up and down at times but things are starting to level out and I’m doing the right things to ensure I don’t get that low again. Ever. I know it’s a long journey but every journey starts with a single step. I guess the key is to not stumble along the way.
I’ve never been brilliant at looking after myself and I love caring for others. Those who know me know this, but right now I know that I need to look after myself so I don’t slump that low ever again. And just now, I can only send my love to those miles away from me who mean so much to me, through words and a few audible yearns. Which I did in Co-op the other day and got an odd look.
I know my behaviour and worries caused concern. To loved ones, Twitter friends and blog readers alike. To loved ones I apologise profusely for scaring you and please know that it was nothing you did. To be honest, I frightened myself, and in my view upsetting others I care so deeply about is unforgivable. To them I have to make a very public apology. I know some might say I shouldn’t have to apologise but I feel I do. I have to say I’m sorry because I am. With all I am.
I thank everyone for messages of support and that certainly has given me strength. Strength to fight this bastard of a fucker which consumed me. I know there was some outside pressure which brought on this dip but I didn’t handle them well and did the wrong things. I won’t I again. I’ve learned now what is important to me and I know I can do it. I’m here and I didn’t kill myself so that’s a good first step on the road to wellness.
So, how am I taking care of me? I’m eating food. Which is good. Food is good Eating good food regularly gives you the energy you need to do the things you need to do, and makes you feel better. I forgot this for a while. I’m cooking and enjoying it. I’m eating and enjoying that too. Simple really.
I’ve seen friends which is great. I was concerned I’d be a mess and depress the heck out of them but I’ve had fun. So thank you for that.
I’ve kept busy. I’m working on a thing which is quite exciting and pretty much almost finished. It’s hush-hush just now but you’ll find out soon I hope.
I’m taking my meds. I know I have to and so that’s just a fact. I won’t feel a failure, I just know I have to. I’ve beaten myself up in the past for having to take them but now I know it’s fine. I have to be sensible.
I’m exercising lots. Walking lots and using the treadmill at my aunt’s house. If I hit a slump I go for a walk or a run as the physical exercise takes my mind off shizzle. If I hit a slump I force myself to do 50 situps and 1km on the treadmill. I’m gonna be buff very soon at this rate. Exercise is good.
When I go for a walk, as I’m in an area I don’t know very well, I pay attention to my surroundings and look at things. I know this might sound daft but seeing new things and paying attention to what’s going on around you is good. Walking blindly around with your head up your arse and your thoughts going round in circles isn’t.
All of this means I’m sleeping better. For a while I thought I’d forgotten how to sleep, which is crazy. But one night I was so tired after walking and exercising most of the day I just fell asleep. Warm, safe and in a bed. My mind shut down and rebooted the next morning with a clarity I’d not had in a while. I’ve had some unsettled nights sure, but I’ve dealt with them and read when I couldn’t sleep. I’ve read The Little Book of Motherventing, (available here) and I wholeheartedly recommend it as it’s funny and brilliantly written. Buy it now! Believe me, your life will be better for it. I will be plugging @motherventing‘s book as much as I can as I think she’s an incredibly talented writer, is a true friend and deserves much success. It’s got some great reviews already, plus it’s only £1.02 which is a bargain for something so good. I’m now reading The Dukkering Boy by the same author and I’m gripped, so I recommend that too.
Reading is good. The last book I read before these was The Tiger Who Came To Tea. Who’s a fucking liberty taker if you ask me.
I know what I must do and have to do to move on. And I’m doing it. And there are people who mean so much to me, and I miss so much, that getting on is the best thing I can do. Get on with shit and then maybe I stand a chance of seeing them soon. And getting on with shit feels good.
I’ll be seeing my children on February 16th, at my son’s birthday party. I’m looking forward to it and have a great gift for him already which I know he’ll love. I Skype them and call them and they know I love them dearly. Of course I miss them beyond words but I’ll see them soon and that is something to look forward to.
There is hope and I’m feeling optimistic. I know what I can do and I know when I’m at my best I’m very good indeed. I’d forgotten this. I’m work in progress at the moment but I’ll get there. And I know I will because there are some things in my life which are sublime, extraordinary, joyous and beautiful beyond all measure.
The darkness is lifting and the pressure is easing. I’ve stopped clawing at my insides and I’m taking my time. And I just wanted to let you know.
Thanks for reading and thanks for your support.