It’s my heart and I’ll cry if I want to.

kleenex-tissue

I’ll cry because things make me sad. Some things in life make me sad. Sometimes.

…because my soul feels heavy and I can’t explain myself any other way.

…because sometimes I can’t show my emotions in any other way.

…because I have to. And I can’t stop until I’m done.

So please don’t tell me to stop. When I’m crying I don’t know any other way. If I could use words I would. If I could express myself through the medium of dance or mime I would. I’d prefer it to this as you’ve just told me to stop. And now I feel shit for crying.

But you told me to stop, and and I guess you didn’t want to see me doing so. You couldn’t do anything other than tell me to stop.

You couldn’t hold me. You couldn’t think of what I’m going through for two seconds and then hold me again. If I cry on your shoulder, if I sob and let it out then please be there for me. If I cry so you feel it, feel me shaking against you then hold me closer then I’ll know that it’s okay.

But you couldn’t do that and that’s okay. Not all of us can.

I know when I cry I pull a funny face. I’ve seen me do it. I look all crumpled and shit and my face does odd things I can’t control. I make noises I can’t control. I sob and that noise is the sound of the sadness coming from my insides. Pouring out of every bit of me. I know it’s not always a good thing to see.

But please don’t tell me to stop. Once you start to cry you need to let it out so you CAN stop. And I would never say that to you.

I’ll hold you. I’ll let you cry and I’ll listen. I’ll make a cup of tea and try to tell you everything will be okay. And if it’s not then I’ll do what I can to fix it.

But don’t tell me to stop. Because that will make me feel you don’t care.

It’s not a case of manning up or stopping. Wiping your tears away and getting on. Sometimes you just need to fucking cry. Walk away if it’s easier for you. Just walk away because then I’ll know that I can’t be me with you. And that’s better for everyone concerned.

Sometimes everyone needs to cry. If not then it all builds up inside us and becomes something stringy and ugly. Something you can’t untangle.

It’s okay to cry. We can cry at weddings, when love hits us like a missile, when we don’t have anything but a raw emotion which makes us cry. We can cry when people die. We can cry when a tree is in the right sunlight. We can cry at One Born Every Minute and we can cry when we want to.

I only cry when everything is too much in my heart and I don’t know what else to do.

That’s why I cried. I’m sorry it was so hard to see.

I’m sorry.

I’m so very sorry.

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18 responses to “It’s my heart and I’ll cry if I want to.

  1. Don’t ever be sorry for crying it serves a purpose. If you need to let it out, best your chest, pull faces and scream why me!!. Crying is our pressure valve. I’ve gone through periods where I can’t cry even though I want to and it’s hell. Let it all out. Cry when you need to. It’s not a sign of weakness but a necessity to carry on. Hugs xx

  2. It says something about them not you. If they are not comfortable in their own skin enough to witness you cry then shame on them.
    The other night I had such a bad row with my husband I told him we’d have to sell up. Half an hour later I was making dinner and included a share for him. When I handed it to him he was so incredibly shocked but eating and crying together are primal needs that can’t be denied if one takes a Christian attitude. Shame on the person who could not deal with your pain. Xxxx

  3. Spencer, DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR NEEDING TO CRY. NEVER. STOP SAYING YOUR SORRY TO SOMEONE WHO’S PROBLEM IT IS THAT THEY CANNOT HANDLE YOU CRYING. I cried in front of a very good friend once and she looked at me like I was an alien though I have seen her cry countless times. It was something she found weak in herself and therefore weak in me. Needless to say we are not friends anymore. Who needs that kind of judgement. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING FEELINGS. You are you and have been you long before this moment. It is you that brought you to this place. A million things brought you to this place, none of them are wrong. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR EMOTIONS. PLEASE!!! With much love, JENNY XXXX

  4. Don’t be sorry for crying. It is a part of who you are and how you deal with things, don’t apologise for that.

    I’m sorry for your hurt and I hope that eventually you can begin to feel better x

  5. I always find when someone asks you to stop crying it practically impossible which is why when my kids cry I wait for them to stop themselves.

    I am a cryer too and it can be at anything! And it feels so much after a good cry.

    And a hug is usually welcome so here is a huge squeezy hug just for you Spen {{{{{{hug}}}}}}

    Amanda xxx

  6. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad recently and I truly hope that you will find a way to come through this.

    You’re right, not everyone can cope with seeing someone, particularly someone they care about so upset. I think for the most part people don’t mean to appear as if they don’t care, simply that they don’t know how to respond, leaving a feeling of uselessness.

  7. What everyone else has said far more eloquently than I would.

    I’d get you a tissue, give you a hug and make a cuppa.

    @scootergirl_uk

  8. I so wish more people could follow your example – and I don’t mean just men! Might be less anger in the world if we were able to ‘let it all out’ when we need to. I do cry quite often, but it makes my eyes swell up really badly and they take hours to look normal again – so sometimes I have to hold it back until I’m alone or with someone I trust.
    So sorry someone wasn’t able to deal with your emotions.

  9. This is so eloquently put. I’ve travelled a journey over the last few years from freaking out if an adult around me cried through to positively encouraging a good weep and providing tissues at the drop of a hat! Maybe this person is just at the beginning of that journey. I had to learn a hell of a lot about myself before I felt comfortable crying in front of others or being with them while they cried.

    Keep sobbing when you need to.

  10. We need more people to say what you have in this post!
    When people need to cry they should be able to cry!Whyever not!
    I want my boys to know crying is acceptable.It may not be easy for those around to see but we should be strong enough to think of the ‘cryer’ not ourselves… If you know what I mean!
    I’m sorry you have felt bad Spencer,I say cry if you have too and you have so much online support ‘if’ you want it yell to those who care,we are out there,when and if you need us x

  11. As the male nanny in Friends once said ‘Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.’ Crying is a good thing and the world would be a better place if more men spoke like you just have. Like Jess has said I really hope my two boys know that it is perfectly normal and acceptable to cry. I hope you let some of your ‘boo-hoos’ out and are feeling a bit better. 🙂

  12. Crying is not something any of us like to do but it is a perfectly healthy thing to do. It relieves some of the hurt that we feel and in some small way allows us to deal with our emotions and move forward a little in ourselves.

    Those around us are not always comfortable in how to react to the emotions of others but we are all different. You are a very honest and a heart-on your sleeve person and for that you should never apologise. It is what makes you ‘you’.

    Sending much love to you during this low period that you are going through. x

  13. I admire your courage and love your writing as always. I hope things improve soon.
    Thinking of you x

  14. I always think I can’t begin the healing process until things have got so bad that I’ve had a good cry.

    I know exactly what you mean about the weirdness of people telling you not to cry. I always say let it out. Well unless it’s the 2 year old screaming and crying in a shop because I won’t buy her what she wants.

    So cry it out and don’t stop till you feel a bit better.

    Big love and hugs
    X

  15. Crying is a necessary valve to let pressure out. I only get annoyed with myself when I cry because I am angry, because it makes it really hard to get your point across! Wish that wasn’t my reaction in that particular sense, but otherwise I cry when I need to. You have many willing shoulders on offer I am sure, consider mine on that list too x

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