Autumn Budget Statement


George Osborne. Just about to get his dick out.

It’s fair to say that the past few years have been tough. Tough choices have been made, and even tougher decisions have to be made.

I am of course talking politically, and the situation this country, and many other countries find themselves in, in economic terms.

There have been cuts in benefits, a decrease in the amount that benefits will increase against the expected rate of inflation. Increases in tax allowances for some which have helped, but millions of families have felt more than a pinch in their pockets. It’s like their pocket has been picked. Costs of things are going up, but, unless you’re lucky, salaries and income have largely remained the same.

And so it will continue. For the next few years at least, the economic forecasts coming from the Office for Budgetary Responsibility will be as reliable as Michael Fish telling us that there won’t be a hurricane.

Key word that. Responsibility.

Something, therefore, has to give and something very drastic has to be done. And I have an answer and a solution.

I hope you’re liking this Churchillian rhetoric? Oh yes.

I’m no economics whizzkid but this topic interests me. I read a lot about economics and fiscal policy and have decided that, before I die, I will do a degree in economics just to scratch an itch. Plus, you never see a poor economist do you?

And so I’ve come to a brave conclusion and a radical idea of how to right this situation. On a global level. And it involves going back a bit, and taking inspiration from older times and older methods.

My solution?

Burn the fuckers.

You know how in the film The Wicker Man that Christopher Lee fella gets that Edward Woodward and puts him in a burning wicker man so that Summer Isle can prosper for the coming year?

Yeah. Like that. But lets put George Osborne and Danny Alexander in.

The Chancellor talks about tough choices and the fact that we are all in this together, but actually George, we’re not are we? You are not in the same situation as much of the population of this country who didn’t actually vote for you. Somehow you got elected because the voting populace couldn’t make their minds up about which bunch of wankers to vote in. The red ones, the blue ones or the yellow ones? The yellow ones looked like a good bet, but then they went into this coalition and basically made themselves unelectable until the END OF TIME. Nice one Nick Clegg. Good decision. You will make a lot of your MP’s unemployed in a few years time.

And they said that Charles Kennedy was a piss artist.

So. Here’s my idea. Why not just go for it and stick up a massive Wicker Man in the centre of Whitehall, march George and Danny into the belly of the thing, and set it alight while we all dance around maniacally. Take one for the team guys! Don’t be selfish. We’re all in it together. You said so today George! And if it doesn’t work? Well at least we’ve tried it. In real terms.

Plus, imagine how much money people would spend in pelting the little fuckers with fruit and veg while they’re on their way? Consumer spending would increase massively. All good for the coffers. Good for the nation. Good for us all.

And, while we’re at it, we could televise it for those unfortunates who can’t cackle wildly at the bottom of the human sacrifice. Dunno, how about putting it on pay per view? Reckon we could make more than Children In Need in minutes. Ker-fucking-ching.

Man alive, my ideas are simply SHITTING money.

I don’t think I’ve ever written a political post as such, but today’s autumn budget statement sounds like a bit more of the same. A bit more of a bit more which doesn’t appear to be working. The Shadow Chancellor will say this, and The Chancellor will blame the opposition for fucking it up royally when they had the chance. Same old same old. Like The Battle of The Somme, with neither giving an inch, but millions and millions of people being taken as casualties.

Whatever is happening or supposed to be happening isn’t working. Don’t tell us that changes, tough decisions, hard choices and the effects those have on millions and millions of people will benefit us in the future because, simply, this economic Armageddon is going to last for the next 10 years. If we’re lucky.

Just get inside, and let me light the match.

I’m off to Rio. *Fires up the chopper* Anyone with me?

Thanks for reading.



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