While the mechanics and the fundamentals stay the same, as one gets older notions of sex change.
Dunno if it’s through experience, time, energy, inclination, availability or whatnot but sex often changes from regularly making the beast with two backs to just talking about how your back hurts, to then not talking about doing making anything, and finding relief in the pages of BBC Good Food magazine. Dreaming of roast beef and all the trimmings, a hot and spicy burrito with sour cream and cheese, or simply dipping your hard soldier into a oozing, soft-boiled egg. Sometimes food talk replaces the sex talk. Which I guess is why Nigella is now the new porn queen on the block, for those of a certain age.
Either way, I found an old copy of The Times weekend section today, and the headline on the front page is “Midlife Sex: the questions everyone should ask.’
I’m 40, and so I guess I’m in a zone that some might call ‘midlife.’ I prefer that to ‘middle-aged’ as that brings to mind ‘the middle ages’ and then I think of plague. And that ain’t sexy.
And so these are some of the questions that, apparently, everyone should ask about sex. I’ve searched deep inside my sexy soul and have given my answers.
No, you’re welcome. Enjoy your lunch.
Can a relationship survive with no sex?
My answer? Depends on the relationship. I have a good, healthy relationship with my landlord and landlady, and we’ve never had sex, so I’d say yes.
Should you turn a blind eye to your partner using porn?
Time and place me dooks, not good if they get out their Iphone and start watching some while you’re talking about choosing nurseries for your children, or while you’re at a dinner party. Better if they do it and start pissing themselves laughing and saying ‘THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY!” but again, not while you’re in company and never while driving.
This brings to mind that thing what that Gandhi said. An eye for an eye and the world goes blind, which I think is where the idea of ‘if you keep doing that you’ll go blind’ comes from.
Do orgasms really matter?
Yes and no. Sex is a two-way street, unlike some orifices. If you’re enjoying what you’re doing, then you don’t need an end point. If you sense, through touch, kissing, biting, whispering, stroking and soft slow moans, and long breathy groans, that your partner is turned on, and you know it isn’t going to take over an hour of being contorted into cramp-inducing positions, then I’d say get stuck in. Do your best to bring them to an intense, deep and explosive orgasm which makes them feel like a goddess. And then, sit back, warm and comfortable in the knowledge that you did that. You helped gave them that smile, and helped them sleep soundly that night. The male orgasm is a thing, it produces stuff and the female orgasm tends not to. It’s a thing you can only imagine unless you talk about it, which is a lot of fun and does help you get to know your lover in a way that might benefit you both. You many never understand what they mean, or they may not be able to explain it, but when they’re having one, it looks fucking great dunnit? And then you can sleep soundly that night knowing that you were fucking awesome. Again.
Or just enjoy touch, caressing, holding and kissing. The warmth of their body on yours, and the feelings that course through your body while you’re doing so. Few things are sexier than that.
But, for the record, an orgasm is not important in the post office. And often frowned upon.
What are the signs that your partner is cheating?
If they offer to be banker when you play Monopoly, and you never win? It’s a sure sign that something’s awry.
How often do most couples have sex?
46.9% of couples have weekly sex, according to this ting. The rest of them are doing it 8 times a day. I reckon.
Can sex toys spice up a dull sex life?
Sex toys can spice up a dull anything. A kids birthday party, cake baking, a visit from the in-laws. So what if the rest of the world don’t have a sense of humour.
Do you need to have matching libidos for a good relationship?
More questions about me and my landlord and landlady? Really? I think it’s okay. I don’t think we’re that close for it to matter.
Is it advisable to share sexual fantasies with a partner?
Why not. Write them down on pieces of paper, fold them up, and put them in a jar. When the mood arises, take a piece of paper from the jar and read it. Sods law decrees you’ll get your own out the jar and you’ll realise just how much of a wrong ‘un you are at times.
Is there anything wrong with enjoying unadventurous sex?
Not at all. Everyone nowadays has a sex swing, a stash of dildos under the bed, a chandelier, an ironing board, a pirate costume, and a cock ring for every day of the week. Whatever team, if you like it how you like it then that’s cool.
Can a relationship thrive if the sex isn’t great?
Enough with the questions about my landlord and landlady. Fucking hell, you’re obsessed!
Can a relationship survive if it’s primarily based on sex?
That’s it. I’m answering no more questions about my landlord and landlady.
Is it wrong to think about someone other than your partner during sex?
Depends on the person. Lembit Opik and that lot from Bird of a Feather, yes. Someone off Twitter or TOWIE? Then definitely double yes.
Does sexual infidelity have to mean the end of the relationship?
Depends on your landlord and landlady I guess?
Should you always indulge your partners wishes in bed?
If you’re in bed, and your partner kisses you softly and asks if you’d make them a cuppa and bring it up, then you fucking do it. End of. And bring cake if they ask too. You’ll be rewarded at some point.
Brazilian waxing: is it true most men prefer it?
I can’t speak for most men, but this one prefers a bit of grass on the pitch, if you catch my drift.
Is an open relationship ever a good idea?
It wasn’t good with my landlord, landlady and I. We now never talk.
Do all men suffer from erectile dysfunction at some point?
Yes. Getting a semi on while sitting on the back seat of the bus counts as a massive dysfunction, unless, of course, you happen to find buses well sexy. In which case you’re all good.
Is there an age when sex stops completely?
When you die, it’s definitely more difficult.
Sex lives within loving and solid relationships are like good sex itself. Full of ups and downs, and as long as it’s all kept fun then I think you’re doing okay. But I’m no sexpert. And since when did we all have to ask ourselves these questions?
Thanks for reading.