Next door’s dog

I AM GONNA EAT YO FACE OFF

Every time I go through my gate to my front door, next door’s dog barks at me.

Every time.

There’s a six and a half foot high fence between us, but it barks, snarls, and scrabbles and scratches at the fence like it wants to run at me  and rip me to pieces.

In my head, I call it Cujo. But I’ve never seen it, so it could be a Bichon Frisé called Fluffy for all I know. All I do know is it seems to hate the shit out of me. It doesn’t bark when the postman comes. Or when my aunt and mum arrive at my front door. It just barks at me. Either its a show off, paranoid, a bit too aggressive or just wants to savage me and then bury my bones in the garden.

Sounds a bit like my ex-wife. #Joke

I bumped into my neighbour, a rather Hyacinth Bouquet-type woman in her late fifties in the pub on quiz night.

“Hello. You’re my neighbour aren’t you?”she boomed at me.

“And you’re mine.” I smiled and extended my hand. “My name’s Spencer. Very pleased to meet you”

She didn’t accept my handshake and left my right hand out there looking a bit stupid and redundant. Like an unwelcome guest at a party. Like a fart in a bath shared with a lover. I put out my other hand out and tried to look like I was stretching to counter this social gaffe, but I think it made me looked deformed or like I was having a fit.

“You have children don’t you Steven? I’ve seen you with a boy and a girl? Do they live with you?”

“No. They live with their mum, my ex-wife, but they often come over to mine for lunch or a little snack when I see them at the weekend. And it’s not Steven it’s…”

“Stewart. Yes of course. I AM sorry. And I’m also sorry our hound keeps barking at you, but I’m afraid you’ll have to get used to it as it’ll take time for her to get used to your smell. Anyway, I must go. I have left my husband on his own and if I’m not there talking to him he’ll probably fall asleep. See you around. Neighbour.”

Which sounded more like a threat that anything community spirited.

The dog’s a woman. That explains it all.

And off she went. The neighbour that is not the dog. Dunno why I felt the need to point that out.

Smell? What does she mean by smell? Do I smell? Does this dog hate the smell of me? What do I smell of? Something which threatens the dog? Something raw and manly? Or something disgusting, like a cat or off-milk?

Perhaps I should throw some of my clothing over the fence so the dog can get used to my musky odours. Or, perhaps she’d just rip it to shreds, and then poo on it for good measure. Or throw over a bone so she’ll think fondly of the man who lives next door. Or some treats? What do people give an dog which sounds like it wants to rip your flesh from your bones? Raw meat? Or do they drop a live goat in from a crane like that bit in Jurassic Park?

Perhaps I should bark back at her. Let her know who’s boss?

Nope. If I’ve learnt anything over the past few years I know what the right thing to do.

Simply sigh and say ‘yes dear.’

Badoom-tish.

Do your neighbours have any irritating animals/behaviour/children or tendencies? Please share with the comments box at the bottom of my doodah.

And thanks for reading.

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8 responses to “Next door’s dog

  1. “It’ll take her some time to get used to your smell!” Haha

    My inlaw’s dog still barks at me after over ten years of getting used to my smell! Haha! She likes me really, I think maybe she just can’t break the habit! Haha!

    There is always the dog you hear but never see, isn’t there? We have one on the school run too! Caitlyn wants to stay and chat through the wall and I just want to pass quickly to stop the noise!

  2. My dogs don’t bark at anyone except one neighbour. But this is because he leans over the fence to see into our house so I’m fine with it lol. Never heard of a dog that had to get used to a smell. Her poor husband

  3. It will be the smell of your rainbow coloured bath products which is confusing her – she thinks there are several different Spencers depending which colour ablutions you adopted today. There are two wee dogs along the road that always bark at me but I turn it into a conversation which confuses them into silence!

  4. Your neighbour sounds a right one!No wonder her dog is strange too.I cannot believe anybody would ever say to someone that their dog had to get used to their smell!!!What the hell!!!Approach them both with caution!

  5. Your neighbour doesn’t sound all that friendly, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the barking. As the owner of a beagle, our Cocoa likes to bark at some people/dogs that walk by our fence, but once he smells you, he is as quiet as a mouse. He also likes to bark at me, if for heavens sake, I go to the store and don’t take him, well I will get a mouth full for a good five minutes or so. I wouldn’t take it personally, some dogs take on the personality of their owner or vice versa, and I think you neighbour is not all that nice.

  6. So ‘Steve’, clearly the man eating dog is just trying to be leader of the pack! I’m sorry but I have chuckled all the way through this …. Especially at the hand shake moment! You are comedy genius! I have tweeted/blogged about my weirdo neighbours. They have no pets. No need. They are annoying enough!
    Great post 🙂

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