Something has sandblasted my face

I had a wonderful shower this morning. Mmmmmm, like soft, warm rainfall on my skin. Cleansing my body and mind, and making the world slip away as I thought of myself being drenched in a warm Amazonian downpour.That was, until the really clingy shower curtain decided to try and stick itself to my arse. And then my thigh. And then my balls.

So I used this new shower gel. It’s blue. I won’t mention the name or make but I have a bit of a thing for different coloured shower gels. I put them on my bathroom windowsill and see them when I return to my flat, twinkling at me through the window. There’s:

  • blue, the new one. Which I tried this morning. More of that in a bit.
  • red, which is some berry stuff,
  • green and minty, and tingly on the balls, which I kinda like,
  • a creamy one which looks a bit like jism but smells of jasmine and ginger, and is creamy, and jismy,
  • and lemon. Lemon is my favourite.

All I need is orange and purple and I’ve got a full rainbow thing going on in the window, which may not make me look too butch but might stop that woman in town to stop stopping me in the supermarket and saying “So, when are we going out for that drink then?”

And so here I sit, a few hours after my shower and…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

MY FACE FEELS LIKE WRAPPING PAPER AFTER A TODDLERS PARTY AND MY EYELIDS FEEL LIKE THEY WERE PRE-OWNED BY SOMEONE 9000 YEARS OLD.

I FEEL LIKE A MUMMY LOOKS.

Not a parent obviously but like Tutankhamen and shit.

MY FACE IS ON FIRE. WITH DEATH.

I have had an allergic reaction to this new, blue, shower gel, dear reader. And I am far from happy. It’s supposed to be ‘Hydrating’ but my face feels like an arid desert, bits of it are flaking off and I feel like I’ve aged a thousand years in a matter of hours. But looking at the ingredients I can see why.

It contains Sodium Benzoate, Sodium Salicylate, Polyquaternium-7, Citric Acid, Glycol Distearate, Tetrasodium EDTA, Poloxamer 124, Glycerin, Benzophenone-4, Sine Adipe Lac, Olea Europaea Oil, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Butylphenyl Methylpropional, Citronellol, Geraniol, Hexyl Cinnamal, Limonene, Linalool, Cl 19140, Cl 42090.

Linalool? Really? The thing that reduces stress in lab rats?

MY FACE SKIN IS ON FIRE AND I’M REALLY STRESSED BY IT. And itchy. So fuck you!

My beard itches. My ears itch. There’s a section of skin about to peel off my face just by my nose/cheek junction. And my eyelids feel like burning crepe paper on my face. I wonder if they are now crepe paper? I wonder if I can see through them if I close my eyes?

*Closes eyes*

OH NO! I CAN! I CAN NOW SEE THROUGH MY EYELIDS!

Hang on a tick? Wasn’t one of the ingredients ACID?

The rest of me is fine, if you’re interested. But no-one sees that and I’ve already had two people look at my face today and say ‘Oh. Are you okay?’

I used to be intolerant of soya protein, for many years. I used to have to take my own packed lunch into school as I’d get sick on the days my school served something like shepherds pie, as the meat would be bulked out with soya protein. For someone who likes bread and bread products, avoiding soya is very hard. You have to either make your own bread, as most shop bought shizzle  used to be made with soya protein, or nibble on a potato. But I grew out of that. Somehow.

But now, it appears, I’m allergic to being clean.

I just knew I should’ve stuck with the yellow. *Throws the rest of the windowsill  shower gel collection in bin*

Are you allergic to anything? Have sensitive skin? Worry about what your grandfather would say if he read this post because, probably, such things didn’t happen 40 years ago? All comments and stories are welcome.

And thanks for reading *Scratches face a bit*

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7 responses to “Something has sandblasted my face

  1. I do find most shower gels to give me an immediate case of itchy-flaky-skinitis. The only one which doesn’t happens to be blue.

    The yellow one in your picture made me feel like I’d been flayed.

    I’ll never ask my grandfather’s advice on cleansing products because, at the age of 82, he is still using Lynx. For shame. However, I have, on occasion, wondered how it is that previous generations managed to live long enough to reproduce in the absence of things like moisturiser and hand cream?

    Without these things I am fairly sure I’d have shed all my skin and musculature by now, and be nothing more than a walking skeleton. Or, more likely, dead.

    My conclusion was that all modern people have substandard skin, fit only for wrapping in the finest silk. Cavemen must have been made of leather.

    • I think my father, and grandfather, reading this post would look at me and say one word.
      Thanks for your comment, and for reading.

  2. Starch. The clothing type. It makes me itch like I am repopulating the worlds flea population. Other than that, it’s all good in the hood.

    Ben on the other hand is intolerant to dairy and eggs. He seems to have outgrown his soya intolerance which makes life A LOT easier.

  3. Jaysus, you’ve been through the mill! Hope the trauma has calmed down! When you wake in the morning, the acid erosion will reveal skin as soft as a baby’s bum!

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