Trust issues

trust, trust issues, relationships, fear,

At the moment I feel uneasy about something and blogging this seems the best way to go. I’m hoping it will help me distill my thoughts and try to deal with this once and for all.

This thing I feel uneasy about, I keep thinking I know what it is. Something doesn’t feel right and it worries me a bit. A lot. All the time of late.

Now, someone without my thought processes would probably put dark thoughts to the back of their mind, stop analysing everything, and take things at face value. But my headbox is a confusing place. It’s not down to what’s gone on over the past year. It’s just always been like that.

And it’s all down to trust. I find it incredibly hard to trust others.

Putting your trust in something or someone is essential in life, but the thing I find myself trusting more than others is that others can’t be trusted. A cycle of whirling thoughts start. Reasons and doubts. Arguments and counterarguments. All in my head. They multiply, grow in force, build up and build up and build up and build up and then sweep all the good things away, like a Tsunami hitting land, tearing down everything in it’s way.

I’m trussed by my mistrust, and I hate feeling like this. Because I’ve felt it all my life.

Outwardly I appear confident and strong. I’m good, at my best perhaps, when trying to support others, or helping others, or providing solutions to problems. But the problems I can’t solve are my own. My fears and doubts roar loudest when I’m by myself, and just now I’m by myself all the time.

I know, through counselling, that this is down to things that happened in my childhood. Things that happened when I was growing up.

My mum lied to me about things. I won’t say what because that’s unfair, but she did. I know she did this to protect me from truths that she found hard to tell me, but I knew that was she was telling me was untrue. And so I’d ask more questions. I’d prompt and ask her, beg for answers and beg for the truth, because the truth is what I needed. Eventually, after questions and more questions I’d get the truth. And then she’d change the subject and not want to talk about it again. Closing that door forever.

I still doubt others. I still do this because, fundamentally, I think that someone somewhere isn’t telling me the truth. Or is hiding something they don’t want me to know to spare my feelings.

Stupid isn’t it? I know this is stupid. I know I’m being stupid. Which makes me feel worse, and makes me hate myself even more than I usually do.

Or am I being stupid? Is this just a protection mechanism which I need to cope? I’m not so sure. I know that, in the past, the only thing it’s ever done is pushed people away who just can’t cope with it. Which then, confirms in my head, that I shouldn’t have trusted them.

Fuck me, it’s all so exhausting.

Sometimes I think I need someone to take my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me, kindly, to stop it. Or perhaps I should just take a leap of faith and simply listen to what’s being said, rather than analysing the voice behind the words, the words themselves, and turn myself inside out with doubt. Accept it all and enjoy life a bit more.

I wish I could be stronger. I wish my head could be changed for one which works properly. I need to start thinking differently, otherwise I’ll continue to push people away.

I just don’t know how. It’s hard to change the thought patterns you’ve had all your life.

If you have any solutions or advice then please let me know via the comments portal.

Strangely, baring my soul about this and putting my trust in this has made me feel a bit better. But tomorrow is another day and I know I need to have some weapons in the armoury to kill these fears and doubts for good. I just don’t know what they are.

J.M Barrie wrote “All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” Perhaps I just need some pixie dust.

Thanks for reading.

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31 responses to “Trust issues

  1. I fear I have no solutions or advice although you have my sincere sympathy. I’ve always tended to trust people by default which shows, I suppose, that I’ve had a more fortunate life experience than you. But when you have children you reassess. I want mine to believe that most people are fundamentally decent, but I have to arm them against the minority who are untrustworthy. Getting the balance right, especially after the horrific events in Wales, is so vital and yet so difficult and your experience illustrates that it can affect their outlook for rest of their lives.

  2. Hubby (second) and I would agree with much of what you say here. We both had difficult childhoods (partly that is what drew us to each other as we understand exactly where each other is coming from). By now we are both in the main trusting souls, but have been let down badly recently by 3 people. Difficult childhoods can leave you deeply insecure, despite therapy. But I now believe it makes my life easier to
    trust people and be occasionally let down than to always be suspicious. The insecurity than brings is much more destabilising. Hope this makes sense.

  3. You’re just trying to protect yourself from being hurt. What’s wrong with that?
    Is it a lack of trust, or are you just being careful-wary?

    I always wondered why cats don’t trust water, when they walk about in the rain?

    • I think with cats it’s a self-image thing. Have you ever seen a cat after a bath and not laughed?
      Thanks. I don’t trust water either, but that also comes from the fact that my mother is terrified of it. I’m sensing a pattern here…

  4. I hear you, I really do. I’ve been there and, in many ways I’m still there. Slowly I’m learning that it is O.K. to think and to feel like this. The important part is learning to not let it take over, but to be comfortable with sitting with that feeling – acknowledging it, but not openly inviting it in, to over-rule your own common sense and judgement.

    I’m learning these things through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which distinctly helps you to change the thought patterns, that you mentioned in your post. It is a hard slog, because to get the best outcome from it, you have to be willing to put a lot of hard work in to it, and sometimes from my own experience, the will just isn’t there. It is helping though, bit by bit – a small step at a time and the more that I learn, the more hope I have in coming out at the other end, feeling somewhat like myself again.

    I hope this is of some help to you and I really do sympathise and wish you all the best.

    • Thank you. CBT did work for me in some ways, my therapist thought my blogging was a good way of dealing with things but, as you say, it is hard work. But worth it because the other way is so much harder.
      Thanks for your comment.

  5. Holding hand, looking in eye – stop it! This cycle of mistrust from youth has become self perpetuating. Without trust there are so many other emotions you will lose out on like friendship and love because it is all part of the same package.
    Try this, take whatever and whoever tells you something at face value. Should they turn out to break your trust of hurt you – walk away – wipe said person out of your life and have no more to do with them and move on. You will possibly have a week or two of upset dealing with things in this way, rather than a lifetime of self doubt. More often than not people are genuine I have found. (obviously there are a few fiends around too).
    Harsh words from me xxx

  6. Not sure I have anything that useful to give you really but the best thing I have found when I’m feeling negative is to try and remind myself of only the good things about certain people.
    To say I have a difficult relationship with some of my siblings would be true but I find by just repeating the things I like about them in my head I do build a ‘compassion bank’ for them. When they are unhelpful or upset me they make a ‘withdrawal’ and I have to top that up again so I don’t end up being the kind of person that avoids them.
    Could something like this work for you? Like a ‘trust bank’? I don’t know. Probably talking nonsense again.
    Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

    • Thank you. I’m wondering if this feeling is a deeper symptom of other underlying issues, namely my usual depression, which may have come back sharply while I wasn’t looking. Not sure, but need to find answers and soon, as I can’t carry on like this.

  7. That picture gives me the creeps by the way, it was quite a shock to open the site and there ‘he’ is, staring at me. *shudders*

    Very effective.

  8. I understand where you are coming from. I know my issues with trust are more to do with fear of abandonment, for example if my husband is late home from work and un-contactable (both very plausible given the industry he works in) my mind goes into over drive about him leaving me, or having an affair, or a serious accident… Following CBT a few years ago, much like you, I know these insecurities come from my childhood and the CBT did work at the time but the thing with learning these skills, is when we feel ourselves slipping, we have to re-learn them in a way, which when you slip into your (collective your) depressive state, is incredibly hard.

    In short, I don’t have any answers but I hope you can get through it somehow.

  9. I think we all end up blogging/writing to sort out our thoughts and feelings. I have a gold medal in overthinking…having an obssessive personality. It seems most of us know why our thought processes are the way they are and how they got that way. The trick is stopping it! Easier said than done. I do however, take medication that helps to stop the obessive cycle but he rest is up to me :/
    I compleletly understand how you feel. To me, in identifying the main issue is a huge step…………you’re on the right path.
    Nicely written post and very well said 🙂

  10. ‘I know that, in the past, the only thing it’s ever done is pushed people away who just can’t cope with it. Which then, confirms in my head, that I shouldn’t have trusted them’.

    I figure if a person has got nothing to hide, no amount of questioning should ‘push them away’. Maybe they just push themselves away? I guess it depends on what they are trying to keep private & if it’s reasonable for them to.

    But Spencer, that’s not your problem. Don’t take that heavy weight on yourself.
    I’ve carried that weight before, but am learning not to, once I recognize it’s not my problem. If others are wrong to do the pushing away, I’m sure if they’ll when & when it’s relevant to them.
    It feels harsh at first, but at my CBT I was advised to bring the trust thing back into perspective. Re-balance it. I reckon we lose sight of perspective a bit, when go through trauma.

    Be tolerant with yourself… (She says in bold print, cos that Spencer bloke has got the html controls) it’ll make it nicer for you.

    Grey. Cats. Are. Fabby.

    • If others are wrong to do the pushing away, I’m sure if they’ll when & when it’s relevant to them. < Ignore that error. (my bad)

      If others are wrong to do the pushing away, I’m sure if they’ll learn when it’s relevant to them.

  11. Dude, people are just cunts. Trust and you’re fucked, don’t trust and you’re fucked. Just try and trust the least cuntish.

  12. Hi it can be done with work on your part. I have the same issues as you from childhood and over the past 8 yrs I have let 3 friends go who haven’t been the people I had thought. In their places are now more friends who I have opened up to. If we don’t put trust in someone, our lives become very lonely. Take my hand and learn to take baby steps. X

  13. Despite a natural predeliction for pessimism I am of the opinion that most people are mostly good. I would rather be of the opinion that people are wonderful and be only occasionally wrong, than believe that people are mostly bad and be endlessly proved wrong! I don’t like to be wrong….

  14. Funnily enough I tend to keep all serious thoughts and feelings of this kind well away from my blog – but I guess my therapy is talking to people that I really do trust. The people I trust and love most in the world have all let me down in some cases horribly but strangely I’ve come back from that (it can take years or just a few months) and they are still very much in my life. I think that people do let each other down because none of us is perfect and most of us is selfish and if it has to be a choice people will ultimately hurt someone else rather than themselves. So my advice would be you are right people will let you down but this does not mean they are lying to you – or they are fundamentally untrustworthy. Many times they will mean what they say , they will want to mean what they say and they won’t want circumstances or feeling to change but they do. SO if people hurt you then yes you have to protect yourself and walk away for as long as you need to . But personally I’ve never felt the need to close the door forever and perhaps once you have been through a really terrible breakup or breakdown with someone it can actually make the relationship stronger as long as the other person can see that you are still speaking to them because they undoubtedly have their own problems and issues and you are the kind, decent man that you are – not because you are a pushover! xx

    • Thank you. I’m just finding things a struggle at the moment and I’m trying to look at ways to change things about me, my outlook and my life in general. Before I get really hurt.

  15. Oh, it’s a fucker isn’t it? The bad thoughts that shout at the good ones until the good ones piss off and leave you with nothing but darkness. I don’t necessarily share your trust issues but I do share the overwhelming thoughts about not being good enough personally or professionally.
    Post-breakdown my counsellor and I came up with something called Shit FM which is like the noise from a radio, just made up of all the bad thoughts instead. The trick, which I am starting to slowly master, is to turn down Shit FM until it’s a whisper in the background rather than a blaring noise. That thoughts are still there (because they may always be there) but at least they’re not controlling everything else in your noggin. So, now, I still think I’m a crap mother, wife, friend and writer but not as much as I think I’m fucking brilliant. I think.

  16. This is something I understand and feel too, so I know where you’re coming from. The only thing I can say, which may or may not be helpful (I hope it is a little bit even) is that you already know yourself that the trust issue stems from your childhood, and that’s your blueprint. It doesn’t matter how much anyone denies it, or is dismissive of that, it is a fact. Your blueprint is the foundation for the rest of your life. If you were lied to, as you were as a child, then how on earth are you supposed to trust anyone? Add to that there are a lot of people out there that aren’t trustworthy, and if you don’t like yourself, chances are you could even be subconsciously on the lookout for those people you know deep down you cannot trust, in order to re-affirm, confirm your blueprint belief. Blimey, I’m waffling on a bit here! But having these issues too, the only person I learned to trust was my therapist, and it took years for me to do so. Once I trusted the therapist, things got a bit easier with other people, but I still find it incredibly hard to trust people. But that’s not such a bad thing! It takes years to earn trust. If people care about you, love you enough, they will get through the part where you push them away. If they are caring, loving people they will stick with you during that part. If they don’t, then well, sod em.

  17. Liking The Kraken’s reply. Your thought process sounds so like my own sometimes am wondering if you’re a Virgo too? I’m pacing the blame firmly there (for now)…

    • 22nd of August, which means I’m part roaring Leo lion and also Virgo in a cardie. If that means anything.
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

  18. Oh Spencer. It’s so hard to reply to this post without turning my reply into an entire novel. 😉 So hard also, to write a short reply which then takes away from the fact that you have so openly, honestly, and beautifully bared your soul here. But…to keep it short….my motto in life is “Go with your heart”. If you meet someone; acquaintance, friend, whatever, and you like them & feel a connection, then just go with it. Life is too short, and the most life-altering regrets, I feel, are those of “I should’ve/could’ve”, but never those of “I did but got hurt”. You hear me? That said, my Mum had a “thing” about water; I do too: my daughter now seems to have one…uurrrgghh…. Hugs to you brave/strong man, because whatever you feel you are or are not, you ARE strong. x

  19. Pingback: The Ark: Business Principles – Truth and Trust « Travels with a Megarider …·

  20. Hello Spencer, I haven’t left you a reply or comment before – because I was ‘getting to know you’ through your blog posts, but this post struck a chord with me.

    Before I could reply, as often happens for me, I found myself minding my own business and suddenly there was your question in the middle of it all. I have included my suggestion in my blog here http://wp.me/p2JLzA-eQ because I think the ideas serve both of us.

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