At the moment I feel uneasy about something and blogging this seems the best way to go. I’m hoping it will help me distill my thoughts and try to deal with this once and for all.
This thing I feel uneasy about, I keep thinking I know what it is. Something doesn’t feel right and it worries me a bit. A lot. All the time of late.
Now, someone without my thought processes would probably put dark thoughts to the back of their mind, stop analysing everything, and take things at face value. But my headbox is a confusing place. It’s not down to what’s gone on over the past year. It’s just always been like that.
And it’s all down to trust. I find it incredibly hard to trust others.
Putting your trust in something or someone is essential in life, but the thing I find myself trusting more than others is that others can’t be trusted. A cycle of whirling thoughts start. Reasons and doubts. Arguments and counterarguments. All in my head. They multiply, grow in force, build up and build up and build up and build up and then sweep all the good things away, like a Tsunami hitting land, tearing down everything in it’s way.
I’m trussed by my mistrust, and I hate feeling like this. Because I’ve felt it all my life.
Outwardly I appear confident and strong. I’m good, at my best perhaps, when trying to support others, or helping others, or providing solutions to problems. But the problems I can’t solve are my own. My fears and doubts roar loudest when I’m by myself, and just now I’m by myself all the time.
I know, through counselling, that this is down to things that happened in my childhood. Things that happened when I was growing up.
My mum lied to me about things. I won’t say what because that’s unfair, but she did. I know she did this to protect me from truths that she found hard to tell me, but I knew that was she was telling me was untrue. And so I’d ask more questions. I’d prompt and ask her, beg for answers and beg for the truth, because the truth is what I needed. Eventually, after questions and more questions I’d get the truth. And then she’d change the subject and not want to talk about it again. Closing that door forever.
I still doubt others. I still do this because, fundamentally, I think that someone somewhere isn’t telling me the truth. Or is hiding something they don’t want me to know to spare my feelings.
Stupid isn’t it? I know this is stupid. I know I’m being stupid. Which makes me feel worse, and makes me hate myself even more than I usually do.
Or am I being stupid? Is this just a protection mechanism which I need to cope? I’m not so sure. I know that, in the past, the only thing it’s ever done is pushed people away who just can’t cope with it. Which then, confirms in my head, that I shouldn’t have trusted them.
Fuck me, it’s all so exhausting.
Sometimes I think I need someone to take my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me, kindly, to stop it. Or perhaps I should just take a leap of faith and simply listen to what’s being said, rather than analysing the voice behind the words, the words themselves, and turn myself inside out with doubt. Accept it all and enjoy life a bit more.
I wish I could be stronger. I wish my head could be changed for one which works properly. I need to start thinking differently, otherwise I’ll continue to push people away.
I just don’t know how. It’s hard to change the thought patterns you’ve had all your life.
If you have any solutions or advice then please let me know via the comments portal.
Strangely, baring my soul about this and putting my trust in this has made me feel a bit better. But tomorrow is another day and I know I need to have some weapons in the armoury to kill these fears and doubts for good. I just don’t know what they are.
J.M Barrie wrote “All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” Perhaps I just need some pixie dust.
Thanks for reading.