Do you know something?
My ex-wife has never made me a cup of tea.
Never. Not one. Not one single cup of tea has she made me.
In all the time I’ve known her. From the first passionate, intense, sex-before-work-and-thrice-on-a-Saturday, stay-in-bed -reading-the-newspapers days, right through to the end of our marriage, and the last days of sharing our house, not one cup of tea did she make me.
Not on a birthday nor on Christmas. Day. Not even following surgery. Nope. Nadda. Nothing. Niszch,
She says she doesn’t know how to because she doesn’t drink it. I’ve explained that it’s not a massively complex thing and I’ve said “I’ll show you. You get Mr Tea Bag and he walks along and says “Hello” to Mr Mug, and then hops inside…and then you…” but by the time I get to this stage she’s gone into the next room or has become invisible, probably flicking V’s at me or doing the universally-recognised hand gesture for ‘Wanker.’
She’s made a cup of tea for my mum, and my aunt. Which proves that she can make one and that she does know how to. So, members of the jury, I find that defence quite simply inexcusable.
Human genetics, a field in which she is a world expert, that’s easy. A piece of piss. But a cup of tea? Far too complex.
Perhaps she has a point. Some use loose leaf tea, some use in a pot and employ methods which border on the scientific. Some use the ‘milk in last’ rule, some put milk in first. Some people even use sugar. And varying amounts of this thing. One, two, nine. Some people use sugar’s robot friend, the sweetener.
But my needs are simple. Bag in mug. Pour on water. Fetch the engine, fetch the engines, leave it about a minute and a half with some spoony agitation of tea bag, add milk. Not too much. Just enough to make it the colour of cognac snifter, the paint.
Whenever I made my gran a cup of tea, each and every time she’d say “I don’t know what you’ve done but that was the best cup of tea I’ve ever had” and I get where she’s coming from.
A cup of tea, made by someone else. A cup of tea which says ‘No, you sit down and have a break. I’ll do this. I’ll bring you a nice cup of tea because you’re awsome’ is one of the nicest and simplest things someone can do for you. I know this because recently someone made me one. And it was blissful.
Or am I taking this far too seriously? After all, it’s only a cup of tea? Of course, my ex-wife gave birth to our two beautiful children so perhaps I should let her off with the tea ting? Maybe.
Perhaps she’s just been employing that rule. You know, the one that states “The Boss Never Makes The Tea.”
Is there anything you or your partner, for whatever reason, refuses to do? And I don’t mean that. Or that, you filthy lot. Please leave your comments in my hole and I’ll pop over with a nice cuppa and a biscuit as a thank you.
And thanks for reading.