@motherventing – a guest post – Smug Parents

The title of this post is like those movies when the name of the talent comes in before the film title itself.

As we all know I have a soft spot for MoVo.. That @motherventing. Knowing her has made me think and enjoy life, in a good way, laugh till my guts hurt, and she’s a good ‘un. Nuff said.

The thing with guest posts by someone as formidable as Fran, is this. FML, she’s good, and this will probably the best thing on my blog. Erm. Ever.

Just like my funniest tweet was the one I didn’t tweet, ‘cos I went for a wee, and she tweeted it.

Stand back, get a drink, then stand back again maybe. ‘Cos here comes the mother venting.

***

“Now I’m not one to judge. Oh wait – I am a bit – just a bit, and only when I’m really farked off about summat. And farked off I am. You can betcha ordinary arse on it. Today was going swimmingly till I got proper farked. And not in a good way. Innit.

Essentially, I went to a soft play café. Yes. I know. One of THEM places. With faintly soiled bean bags and the ever-lingering stench of toddler faeces. Where swarms of hellish spawn roil around your ankles till you want to climb the walls and cling weeping to the fetid ceiling tiles. Where piles of pallid parents stare blearily at their smartphones in the desperate hope that their rabid offspring work off some of that energy before the inevitable slide into the squalid bedtime routine. Well. OK. It’s not that bad. But I was kind of desperate for something to do with Moo that didn’t involve plasticine , and I needed a triple chocolate muffin.

So in we stroll and ‘Bah,’ says I, immediately, for it is obvious that ANOTHER tribe of parents (other than the frantic souls) occupy the humid space. By the by, why are soft play establishments always unbearably moist? Are thickets of sweaty children not dampening enough? For the love of all things dry, OPEN A FARKING WINDOW. Anyway – I digress. PARENTS! Ack. And in this case, smug mothers. Smug Mums. Smums. No, wait, I hate doing that to words. Apparently it’s called a portmanteau. Which I thought was a posh suitcase, but hey ho. I don’t generally portmanteau about the place, so we’ll stick to Smug Mums. I very much dislike Smug Mums. And Smug Dads (Smads? I’ll shut up) but there weren’t any present today so they escape my wrath for now.

Parents that are smug can kiss my extraordinary arse. Smug is the worst. If you’re smug, you think you’re better than me, and you’re so PLEASED about it you’re going to stand there and moue while my child screeches like a harpy cos I’m battering her with a massive squishy rhomboid and she LOVES it. Just because  your kid has never experienced a 3pm sugar rush, doesn’t make you a better parent than me, yeah? I’m QUITE HAPPY to accept that we all parent in different ways. I really am. There are times when I’m convinced everyone else has got it sussed and I’m the only one who forgot to the homework and is going to FAIL THE PARENTING EXAM any day now, but y’know, technically, I think I’m doing OK.It takes a certain amount of broad-mindedness to realise that each and every mum and dad is rooting their way through the darkness of child-rearing with NO DISCERNIBLE CLUE that they know what it is they’re supposed to be doing, and I am broad-minded. Being smug, however, is narrow-minded. Being smug is removing your progeny from the soft play café because you can’t understand why anyone would want to ceremoniously shove some cake in their child’s mouth and let them loose upon someone else’s belongings for an hour or so. And OPENLY DISCUSSING that fact, with distaste, as you leave, within my earshot.If it weren’t for the juveniles in the audience, I’d have shoved your Cath Kidston changing bags SO far up your backsides you’d be vomming pretty flowered oilcloth for a week. You smug bastards.

Smug Mums of the world: leave the rest of us alone, yeah? You may be party to some big mothering secret which means you Know It All, but, erm, fark off. We don’t need y’all making life harder for us plebs. And STOP HANGING AROUND our turf if you don’t like other people’s children! Makes sense,eh? Go find a farmer’s market.

*venting over klaxon*

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31 responses to “@motherventing – a guest post – Smug Parents

  1. Nice to see you guest posting already – was worried we’d lost you there!

    And I’m sure smug mums are actually jealous that you and Moo are having so much fun. They might be well-presented and their kids might be immaculate and only given organic feed BUT are they really having the happy fun-filled afternoon that your Moo is? I doubt it!

    • Just what I was thinking. Some people are so up their own bottoms that fun seems a little bit beyond them. I’m sure it’s all to do with being competitive at parenting in some way. “My son had an apple yesterday and didn’t refuse it” “Mine had a fennel infused-porridge with every fruit in the world” – that sort of thing.
      Perhaps they were just well jel about the cake thing. Arsehats.
      Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. Phahahahahaha! Brilliant as always movo!
    Fuck em! Non of us really have a clue. Do we? I asked my screaming week old baby for her manual, apparently they don’t come with one. Or she forgot it. Whatever, there is just no need for people to look down their noses at others. P.s I love you! Mwah

  3. *Sigh* You’re so bleedin’ right. Bitches. Smitches. *casually hides Cath Kidston change bag somewhere that MoVo can’t see*

  4. Great post. I was in such a place today – lots of smums! Think my kids had slushies (mixed ones at that!), crisps (the full fat full E number kind) and possibly mentos! We all had a ball! Then went home and, errr, had meat, veg and potatoes – a proper Sunday dinner (let’s not mention the E number dessert though!). Thoroughly enjoyed this post.

  5. I love this post too much. I am actually going to make a poster with the “vomming pretty flowered oilcloth for a week” quote on it and put it up in every cafe where I live. Marvellous. *bows*

  6. Smums boil my piss. I own a Cath Kidston changing bag. it’s ace. it has cowboys on it and I can wipe bodily fluids off of it with a single swipe. This confuses smummies because they think I’m one of their tribe and then find out that I’m unbelievable slummy and not averse to a Pot Noodle and a bit of Jeremy Kyle. The other day, one gave me a bollocking in a playground because I hadn’t tucked my son’s t-shirt into his trousers as the slide he was playing on was “a bit hot because of the sun and he might burn his little back”. Oh do fuck off.

    Lisa @ http://www.howtobeadomesticdisgrace.blogspot.com

  7. Really looking forward to my son being old enough for soft play centres. Battering him over the head with a massive squishy rhomboid sounds like incredible fun.

  8. I know the secret. I am not sharing tho. ( lies- I didn’t even know hey had a secret- I though the were just looking down their noses at my primark handbag- which is leopard print, lovely, and don’t require a mortgage to purchase)

    • Oh FFS. Why do I comment using my iPad. Always forgt to read it back, and then notice half the letters are missing and words are misspelt. Feck it- you get the gist yeah?!?

  9. Hahaha…*sigh*..brilliant…i love winding other parents up cos I don’t care what ppl think of me!

    Good to see ya MoVo:-)

    Xxxx

  10. They may be smug but they’re bored shitless and they have no idea of how to parent ‘cos they don’t know how to have FUN and that what kids are for innit. As for vomming pretty flowers, can you do that shoving the changing bag up the arse thing when I’m there please since the downfall of the smug is something we’d all like to see 😉

  11. I thought a portmanteau was a type of round window but maybe I got it mixed-up with the word porthole. Oh well…

    A great, funny post that is SO TRUE. Shows you can’t keep a good MoVo down 🙂

    • You can’t keep her down. Man alive many have tried but she just keeps coming up for air. 😉
      Thanks for commenting. 🙂

  12. Lol wow! I know what you mean in a way 😉 not sure I understood all the wording but it made me laugh’
    I have a button called IGNORE when I go to these places. Maybe you should use it too 🙂

  13. I live in an area of the country where those ‘Yummy Mummy’ nappy bags are prolific. You know the ones. I quite enjoy rolling up with my SN boy, him (and I) having some sort of sensory meltdown, and giving him a tube feed before letting him rip. Particular favourite being swimming where his oversensitive gag reflex does not appeal to the ladies at our local Virgin Active, who have paid an extortionate amount for their aqua babies thingy class on the other side of the rope, not realising if you turn up at the same time you can enjoy the experience on the other side of the pool free of charge. Oops, that makes me a bit smug doesn’t it?!

    • I do like that one. It says so much without actually being insulting but by being terribly so.
      Thanks for reading.

  14. Brilliant post! Softplay hell-holes make me sweat something rotten, so I’m afraid I may be responsible for some of the moisture in the air. It’s the insanely loud dance music, flashing lights and electronic music blaring from toys. All a bit flashback-rave for me.

  15. Pingback: @motherventing – a guest post – Smug Parents | THE HIGHS, the lows, The Inbetweens·

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