Missing Something. Or someone.

Yesterday I went to the postbox and back. Obviously to post something. I haven’t completely lost it.

Well I say that, but perhaps I have, as I went in my slippers. 400 yards in my fucking slippers.

And I saw someone who knows my ex-wife, someone who now probably thinks I’m having some small, or large, mental breakdown.

Today the children and I went to a splash pool in a local town. To enjoy the fun with the kids I rolled up my trouser legs, took my shoes and socks off and got stuck in. It was a beautiful sunny day, the place wasย  busy and we all had a great time. Mini milk treats for the kids afterwards and I put my socks and shoes back on and we walked to the train station, via a big supermarket, and then go on the train to go to their home.

It was when boarding the train I realised I still had my trousers rolled up to my knees, and I’d been walking around like that for about 50 minutes. And the supermarket was well busy.

F. M. L. Sideways.

I have, frequently, showered and dressed in the morning, around 7am, and only at about 5 or 6pm realised that my t-shirt or my shirt is on inside-out. WHO WEARS A SHIRT INSIDE OUT?

I only have me to look after right now and I haven’t been doing it very well recently. I’m getting better now because I’ve had a bit of a word with myself. But over the past 8 months or so? No. Not brilliantly.

This is probably because now I don’t have someone in my life to tell me things. The children certainly don’t, which is kinda cool because I could probably wear a chicken costume and they’d think it was ace. But I don’t have anyone who, on a day-to-day basis, can tell me I look a tool. ‘Spencer, your t-shirt is on inside out.’ ‘Spencer, your trouser legs are still rolled up.’ ‘Spencer, slippers? Really?’

In the past I’ve brushed my teeth and the other person in the room hasn’t said anything, but merely pointed to my mouth in a discreet way indicating I still have toothpaste around my chops.

I’ve realised how much I miss having another person in my life and I know that I work better, function better, in a team. That being said I’m divorced now so maybe I don’t. But I miss someone to talk to. To chat silly stuff with. To take me away from Twitter and my own thoughts. To make me smile, laugh. To cook for, to love. To cuddle. To kiss, make love to or just fuck in a hot sweaty afternoon session. Someone who’ll offer to make me a cup of tea. And I’ll rub their feet and tell them they’re beautiful when they feel like crap. Someone who won’t mind me being me, but will smooth down the rougher edges. Someone who gets me. Someone to point out that I’ve put my t-shirt on inside out, to tell me that shirt doesn’t go with those trousers, and that actually Spencer you’re looking okay today. I MISS THE PERSON WHO DISCRETELY TOLD ME THAT I HAD TOOTHPASTE AROUND MY MOUTH!

I’ve missed being part of something. Part of a team. I’m lonely I guess and I tend not to rate myself as being terribly important. I see my children and I know I’m important to them, and they fill my heart, but when I leave them? I’m left longing. A heavy weight bearing down on me as I think to myselfย  ‘Christ Spencer, this is how it’s going to be for the rest of your life.’

Perhaps I’ll try online dating. My profile will read “Spencer, 40, divorced. Has accidentally, in the past, gone to the postbox in his slippers. Yeah. I’m becoming THAT guy.”

What a catch eh?

But then, based on the evidence above. The slippers, the rolled up trousers, the inside out t-shirt and the toothpaste round my mouth perhaps what I’m looking for isn’t a lover and a partner, but a trained carer.

Or maybe just someone who cares.

Thanks for reading.

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24 responses to “Missing Something. Or someone.

  1. If it makes you feel better I wore my big granny knickers on inside out ALL day yesterday. Ok so maybe nobody would notice as I had jeans on, but they are that big and granified that even I didn’t notice.

  2. I went to Sainsburys once in my slippers, but I did have the excuse of being the very tired mum of a 3 week old, I’m actually amazed I didn’t go in my pajamas! I also once wore 2 different shoes all day (at least they were both black) when I was at school and didn’t notice until I took them off. Oh and once in an effort to clean my son’s vomit off me I took a shower – and only after the shower noticed I still had my bra on.

  3. The other week I breastfed my 8mth old at an adventure park and forgot to fasten my shirt up. Nobody told me until I looked down. My mum, dad, bro, daughter and niece were all there and still didn’t say anything!

  4. I find one of the great joys of middle aged is that you can host dinner paties in your fleecy slippers. And I always go to the post box in mine because it’s way too much trouble to change them. So it seems to me you’re perfectly normal, but for sure it’s a lonely, painful journey your on and I hope there’s some lovely slippered damsel waiting at the end of it. Just don;t set too much store by the romantic side. My husband was gazing at me intently at supper the other night and I alwmost simpered. Then he said: ‘You’ve got a HUGE blackhead…’

  5. Very honest. A lovely post. Am certain you will find that certain, special someone, very soon ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Sorry but I did have to laugh. Did you intend to go out in your slippers? Coz that’s OK, that says ‘fuck them all, don’t care what they think’. If it was unintentional, That’s OK, sure you can get away with it by pretending you meant it. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Oh and I’m sure there’s loads of ladies out there already interested in being your carer – you just need to lift your sunhat up a bit to see them….?!!!

  7. It’s possible to miss that someone even when they’re right there next to you… You still need to look after yourself Spence, or at least but some slippers that don’t look like slippers… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Such a poignant tinge to your post. Tenderness meets loneliness, It’s virtually palpable.

    I Hope you meet your team mate soon, you deserve your happy ever after.

  9. Well, Peter Kay used to go the shops in his slippers ! I currently OWN the CICC or the Care in the Community Chic. Off I go to work in flip flops, sun glasses and full on waterproof anorak, n since I got my new hair, it curls so unattractively out from my ears like handle bars, it’s a wonder I’m not snapped up by Lancashire’s next top model!!

    As for the online dating all I know is four of my friends, all of whom had previous disasters and divorces etc have met n married their soul mate who they found online!

    All I can give is a virtual crappy brackets hug but I give it all the same . (((( hugs ))))

  10. the fact that you managed to fasten a shirt whilst it being inside out, is an actual talent! Humans are made for love and loving, i think you should see what online dating has to offer, I know I will look forward to your comments on it!

  11. I’m sure there’s loads of ladies out there who’d love to tell you when you were wearing your slippers at inapporopriate times until then maybe a checklist on the door before you go out – shirt correct – tick, appropriate footwear – tick, clean face – tick!! take care and enjoy the good things like being able to do what the hell you like whenever you want without having to worry about what the other half thinks x

  12. Spencer, what a lovely blog post.
    The emptiness can feel like hell on toast, sometimes. Perhaps we need those feelings so we don’t give up the hope, (or give up trying to fill the gaps in our lives).
    If it’s any consolation, I don’t worry how I look when taking little trips out in public. But I figure at least if I do happen to meet a potential new partner, he’ll have seen me at my worst. If he doesn’t run away, he’s a keeper! Heehee!
    Your blog speaks volumes about you, in a good way. I don’t think you’ll be on your own for long.

    Rolled up trousers are fabby, they look as cool & relaxing as that water you’re standing in ๐Ÿ™‚

    Evie

    P.S. Rolled up trousers, slippers etc., are all good things.

  13. I hope the hole in your life that you’re feeling so keenly at the moment doesn’t stay that way for long.

    But I don’t see anything wrong with your postbox excursion. I’m 26 and have no excuse other than slippers are comfy and finding other footwear to go to the postbox takes time…

    I had a boss once who would insist on wearing his slippers in the office. Now that was a bit odd when meeting clients.

  14. Heartfelt stuff. It’s hard to pickup the pieces after divorce. Have you thought of doing some voluntary work with old or disabled people? Or working with kids, cos it sounds like you’re good with them. I went back to uni when I got divorced and trained as a teacher. I spent some time working with severely disabled kids which was the most rewarding, humbling time I’ve ever had. It pulls you out of the dark, lonely place divorce leaves you in, and kick starts you in your new life.
    It does get better, believe me.

  15. My husband has two pairs of slippers. One of these he calls his OUTDOOR pair! Yes, these are the ones he will go outside in to put the bins out, or get something from the shed in, but he also extends this to wearing them do the SCHOOL RUN, or nip out, like you, to the post box.

    I try and protest about the public wearing (especially for the school run), and he insists, claiming they don’t really look like slippers (they so do) and that it’s only for 10 minutes. So far, no-one seems to have noticed…or at least said anything to me- and they are the type of mums that definitely would.

    So, I think you probably got away with it.

  16. Your humour captivates me so much, that sometimes I miss the deeper meaning to your posts. This one however, really struck a cord. I’ve been where you are now as I’m sure many others have too. I once walked around London with my top on inside out all day and didn’t realise until I’d made the trip back to Devon that evening. What a tool!

    As for online dating – it can work if you’re sensible and don’t expect too much. I met my other half in a game (that’s how much of a nerd I am) and we’ve been together since. I figure that in that kind of situation, you get to meet the personality before the image and in my case, the image didn’t matter so much as I fell in love with the personality first. (I think that makes sense).

  17. Oh bless, How do you do it mr? Im laughing in one sentence and getting emotional with the next! Hope you find someone special who appreciates yor slipper wearing inside outy shirt wearing ways xx

  18. A friend of mine once said when her husband left, I don’t miss having someone to do something with, I miss having someone to do nothing with. Its hard being on your own but I do think sometimes its worse being with the wrong person. I hope you meet someone special who appreciates you & is deserving of you. But right now from a totally selfish point of view please realise how much the rest of us enjoy your tweets & blogs.

    • Thank you. That’s kind. And your friend is right. The little things are as much missed as the rest of it. Someone who you can sit with, say nothing to, but feel relaxed and comfortable with doing so.
      I know I still sit at one end of a sofa. Massive empty space on the other side.
      Thanks for your comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

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