Up. And not like the lovely Pixar movie

purple dildo

That Motherventing wrote about a new purchase she made recently, a dildo, and if you haven’t read that post then please do. But make sure you’re reading it in the bath or with a Tena in place as you WILL piss yourself laughing.

Not sure about that last sentence. I kinda think I said it was okay to piss in the bath, which it isn’t, but anyhow, I digress. Back onto dildos, so to speak, and there’s a story I’d like to share with you all inspired by Motherventing’s post.

Look away now if you don’t like the sexy talk, or scenes of a somewhat sexytime nature.

Many years ago, my girlfriend at the time and I were having an afternoon session. And a good one at that, even if I do say so myself. We were having a GOOD time and she reached over and pulled open a drawer.

A drawer I’d never noticed before. How did that happen?

Anyhow, as I licked, stroked and fucked, she pulled out a purple vibrator. “Aye aye chicken pie” thought I. She moved it to her lips and sucked on it. I was fucking her, and she said something like “I’m sucking this like I’m sucking your cock. While you’re fucking me.”

It was hot. Very. She moved it from her lips and we kissed and then.

What? What’s going on here.

“Fuck me. Hard” she said. I carried on, thinking, “yeah I’m doing that but why has your hand gone down to my buttock. Why are you gripping at my buttock and…”

HOLY FUCKING FUCK! WHY HAVE YOU SHOVED YOUR VIBRATOR UP MY ARSE?

It was a tense moment. I shook my head but she just carried on pushing, and laughing. “When you come with this inside you, your orgasm will be soooooo intense” she said to me. And then she twisted it. And it start vibrating.

Within two minutes I had my clothes on and was checking the bus timetable in my bag.

“I’m sorry” she said. “I thought you’d…”

“It’s an exit” I said. “Nothing goes up there. Things come out. And, you could’ve asked.”

“I thought you knew what I was going to do.”

No. I replied. I didn’t think you were going to shove something up my arsehole. How silly of me. It’s not the thought that sprang to mind.

As @motherventing says in her post, there are “dildos and dildon’ts” and that was definitely one that fell into the latter category. I still get edgy whenever I see people working on the roads, using one of those drills that go “Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

Anyhow, this is a one-off post. I don’t think I’ll be talking about sex in future on this blog. Maybe because I ain’t getting any. I made soft, low moaning noises eating a BLT today, so that’s the closest I’m getting to an orgasm. A foodgasm perhaps?

Sod it, I’m off to make a lasagne.

Have you made any bedroom faux pas? Done the wrong thing when all was golden? Please share with the group, if you wish.

Oh and thanks for reading.

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22 responses to “Up. And not like the lovely Pixar movie

  1. Lol. Not my story, but a male friend of mine took a girl home who started doing sexy talk. He stayed quiet, unsure of etiquette and then she started saying “Come on you bastard. Come on you bastard” in a sexy, but aggressive way. So he took a punt and replied back “Come on you bitch”. She stopped. She glared at him. Got out of bed, dressed and left. Lol. Poor bugger.

    • Ouch. He obviously should’ve responded with something like “Come on the you sexy bitch” – by deft application of the word sexy the whole thing takes on a different, less aggressive meaning.
      Thanks for sharing. πŸ™‚

  2. I’m so sorry. There is only one response:

    He had a purple dildo up his arse!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

  3. Have you thought about getting a ‘No Entry’ sign tattooed on your arse?
    You know, just in case… πŸ˜‰

  4. I remember being in bed with a boyfriend years ago and asking him to ‘turn around’ thinking he might enjoy a soixante neuf. He turned his back to me…

  5. I’m sorry but I laughed. She could have asked first! I think it’s rather rude to pop something in a person’s bottom without asking, even if you knew they liked that…

  6. all I can say is “ouch” that brings tears to my eyes and has me clenching my buttocks just thinking about it. But as it was not me I also laughed……without sounding crude I have often wondered how people manage to get things up there it has just never appealed to me, Im with you its an exit not an entrance.

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