Dunno what’s up with me of late, but the past couple of days has seen my confidence take a bit of a knock.
I know I’ve been a right pain to be around.
Nothing specific behind this. The usual inner voices mocking me and pulling down anything and everything I’ve constructed to make myself feel more settled in my own skin. I look in the mirror and see a face looking back at me. Is it mine? I’m pleased to have a beard to hide behind as, to be honest, I’m a bit scared of what’s looking back at me. Scared of it’s searching eyes and disapproving glower.
I’m 40 in just over a week. I guess that’s what it is. I look in the mirror and see a thing in front of me and in a split second ask myself a thousand questions I can’t answer.
I should be happy, or at least happier but I can’t honestly say I am. Happiness will come, I’m sure, but things are unsettled and really, life should’ve settled down a bit by now. But they haven’t and I’m not confident I can do anything about it, and therefore I’m not confident about anything I do. This post has been sitting here for days, purely because I didn’t have the confidence to write it.
I’m a bloke. A man. Men shouldn’t have these moments where they feel shit about themselves, have low-self esteem and question every fucking thing. Men are supposed to be supportive and strong, have belief in what they say and do. Big broad shoulders. Head held high. Put on a pair of jeans and think “fuck it, I am man, hear my roar”. Men aren’t supposed to question themselves at every turn, or ask themselves “does my bum look big in this?”
Lynx have a range of shower gels for men. For men like me. Lynx EXCITE, Lynx ATTRACT, Lynx DARK TEMPTATION. Right now I don’t think I could excite, attract or tempt anyone. One describes itself thus MASCULINE SPICES WITH SPARKLING GREEN AND CITRUS NOTES. ADD A LIVELY JOLT OF CAFFEINE AND GOLDEN AMBER, AND YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
I’m gonna buy some tomorrow and use it. If it isn’t the best day of my life? Well they’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
Sadly they don’t do Lynx Worried A Bit About the Years To Come and Feeling A Bit Lumpy Around The Middle. If they did then I’d probably buy it right now.
At this moment I’m wondering if this is the best I’ll ever be. Is this the best I’ll ever look? Have I reached my heights, my zenith? Only to slide predictably downhill to a middle age of weariness, complaining and looking back. Because from here it goes downhill my friend. 15 years ago I was 25 and could take on the world. 15 years from now I’ll be 55 and, if my family history is anything to go by, I would’ve either had a heart attack, or be dead.
It’s my birthday soon and I’ll be 40. Just ignore me. I’m having one of those ‘taking stock’ moments in my life.
Perhaps, before this truly batters me like some thug in a car park on a dark night, something I feel could come, perhaps I need to breathe a bit and enjoy the scenery. Look at the sky and see the blue. See the green in a park. Listen to laughter. Perhaps I need to stop thinking so much. Perhaps I just need to feel more.
But sometimes I’m afraid of feeling so much. I know my emotions can get the better of me and sometimes that’s not a good thing. So I think. And then I think a bit more, and the think that I’m thinking is that I’m thinking and not feeling and… if I’m not feeling is this the return of the depression? Fuck.
Well. I know I’m good at one thing. I know I’m a good dad to my children. That should be enough shouldn’t it? That should keep me going.
Something inside me, sometimes, conspires to make good times bad. I don’t know why. Perhaps I just don’t like feeling happy. Perhaps I don’t deserve a happy ending.
Or perhaps I’m afraid of happiness ending.
Is this sudden lack of confidence a common thing with men? I don’t know, so I’d love to know if you know men who go through moments like this, or if, as I suspect, the rest of the world just gets on with it and stops moaning. Despite low-self esteem all my life I guess, after everything is taken into account, I am quite lucky. Please let me know what you think.
Oh, and thanks for reading.