The old homestead

This weekend my ex-wife is going to London. She’ll be staying overnight, so I’ll be staying overnight with the children. And while I know lots of it will be fun, if I’m being perfectly honest? I’m kind of, a bit, dreading it a bit.

A bit.

Not because of the children, in fact it’ll feel good to be back in the SAHD-dle and in a role which I love. Daddy. A father. A whole chunk of ‘me and them time’ doing things that I haven’t done for a while. Can you believe I actually miss bathtimes, nappy changes, my son deciding he doesn’t want to eat THAT and wiping down a highchair that’s covered in yoghurt?

Nothing they could do could bring me down and it’s not because of them that I’m a bit dreading it, a bit.

It’s because of where I’ll be, and because this place I used to call my home now isn’t.

Some things are so familiar, in fact all of it is. But everything inside it reminds me that it isn’t my home any more. For me it’s almost the complete opposite to my home. An anti-home if you like. And it represents something in my head.

Failure.

As I approach it on foot, when I first see the blue door, I always put my hand in my pocket for my keys. Always. Of course they’re not there. I don’t have any. Then I ring the doorbell, hear my children’s exuberant calls of ‘Daddy! Daddy!’ and I don’t think any more about it.

But if I’m looking after them in the evening, when my ex-wife is out with friends or at her book group/fight club then I do think about it, and it feels strange being there. But  some times, lots of times, and this weekend in particular this is how it will have to be. And some days in September and October. And November and January. I’ll have to stay for a few days as my ex-wife is leaving the country for work.

There’s no way round it. The children can’t stay with me as my flat is too small and all their toys are at the house. This is how it’s going to have to be and I’ve known this since we decided to divorce. This is not a surprise.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to get my head around it, but get my headbox around it I must. Otherwise, in the evenings, when the children are asleep, I’ll look around me and the joint purchases, decisions we made about buying things, the presents and gifts and things that fill it will all join forces to smack me in the face and remind me that this didn’t work.

When I left didn’t feel I could take things that were joint presents or purchases, or even argue about who gets what. My ex-wife has a right to these things as much as me, and I thought it best that she keep them. That’s fair enough in my eyes and they look better in her home. Plus I thought taking too many things away would upset the children and they might question why certain things aren’t there any more. Their disappearance could upset them. So things were done discretely and I moved when no-one was looking, having gradually put things in boxes over some months.

Sometimes when I’m there I look around and feel sad. I sigh and tell myself to snap out of it but sometimes, being surrounded by things and enclosed in something that meant so much to me is too much. Claustrophobic. Too much.

When I’ll be looking after the children I’ll not think like this. They keep me occupied enough and so I won’t have time to think so much. But in then evening, when all the dinner plates have been put away in the usual place, and I’ll make myself something to eat with the pots and pans I cooked so many meals in, using plates and cutlery I’ve eaten with over many years, I fear something will hit me that may be tough to deal with.

I know other people go through this. Leaving somewhere they called home and have to return to in a different guise. When we grow up and leave our parents, when we move out, then the home that once was ceases to be that thing when we return. This is progress. Moving on and this is good but hard in many cases.

But I know this was different. And I know that, unless I view things in a different light, the days I stay at this house will be tough.

Perhaps I should think of it as the children’s home and respect the fact that my ex-wife has done so much to make it a loving home, where the children are happy and comfortable and thriving. I should feel proud of her and her achievements rather than navel gaze and think about what it all means to me. Perhaps I should just shut the fuck up and just get on. Don’t think, just enjoy this time with my children.

I don’t know what else to say. I know I should get the fuck over it and move forward, but sometimes moving on is very hard indeed. Especially after a few days of feeling blue.

Thanks for reading.

Advertisements

11 responses to “The old homestead

  1. Moving on takes a lot of time in any upsetting situation. in a lot of separations things get all too nasty and I respect the way you talk about your ex wife. Your a good dad, hope things get easier soon x

    • My ex-wife is an incredible woman, and I know she’s a wonderful mum to our children and will always be so. I can’t say anything less than what’s true.
      Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. 🙂

  2. I really think you are being too hard on yourself. That situation would be incredibly difficult (and even depressing) for anyone with a heart! It’s ok to grieve for the loss of a place & a feeling that was once home to you. Allowing yourself to feel that loss is all part of the process of getting your head straight & your self into a healthy place to move forward.
    I’m sorry it’s so tough right now, but I am certain it will get easier in time. *Hugs to you.*

    • Many thanks. I thought things would come easier, sort themselves out quicker, and the feelings would’ve gone by now but not, sadly.
      Thanks for reading and commenting and I’m sure life will improve. 🙂

  3. I think you’re feelings are absolutely normal. You can’t make the past disappear but in time the place will hold a different meaning, as you said, it’ll be a lovely warm home where your kids are raised. It’s a shame your place isn’t right for the kids but’s the way it often goes. Acceptance is the key to happiness. x

  4. Devastatingly raw and honest and well-written post. What an enormous loss in your life. I didn’t know your old blog, and am slowly catching up with this one. One of the things that gets me most is what you say about the pots and pans, the door, the keys – objects have such powerful associations, and I guess now the associations are all so changed for you. I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to suggest starting to bring a new pot, or a new something; pierce through some new associations in the new situation.
    Wishing you strength, and thank you for sharing

  5. I don’t think you’re over thinking it at all. It sounds genuinely very hard an I hope it gets easier… You know how you see those couples that are divorced but the very best of friends and still know everything about each other? That kind of thing. I hope each stay gets easier for you all x

  6. Speaking from experience as “wife who stayed in the house” she will also be looking round at all your stuff – probably daily – and be crying inside that things are different. She will probably wake up surprised each morning that you’re not there. Over time this will lessen for both of you x

  7. I can imagine it must be really tough to return to your old home with all its memories etc. You are really brave to do this for your children, one day I’m sure you will have your own place and then you can create a home for them too.

Please leave a comment. Thank you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s