Divorce Camp

I’ve come up with a winning idea.

Life’s tough for those who go through a divorce. Being married and then not being married can make you feel like you’ve lost some of the essential life skills that you need to survive. Often the pain of the process can mean you come out the other side feeling a bit lost, and lacking in confidence.

Well worry no more. I’ll be running a week-long Divorce Camp, somewhere remote, but somewhere nice and warm. You’ve had enough heavy weather so let’s change that from the get go.

The daily routine will be the same, but all activities will equip you to survive out there in a harsh, unforgiving world.

6.30am: Wake Up. You’ll be woken by a drill sergeant telling you how useless and pathetic you are. Reminding you of all your failings, and reminding you that you will be alone for the rest of your life if you don’t pay attention through the rest of the day.

Showers will be cold. Just like the love you lost, and as a reminder that some days your other half might’ve nicked all the hot water before you’ve had a chance to haul yourself out of bed.

Breakfast: Gruel.

Morning Activities

Exercise: So you can tone and shape yourself up to be bang tidy, because all you’ve done for the past few months is eat crap and drink booze while listening to sad music.

Focussed activities: eg ‘How to shop and cook for one’. This will include exercises in not breaking down in the supermarket when you realise ‘what’s the point in getting a buy one get one free when there’s just you’, and not crying when they play ‘your song’ on the supermarket radio station thing.

Lunch: More gruel. Followed by Humble Pie.

Afternoon Activities

Sessions on regaining your confidence. How to talk to women without rolling your eyes. How to talk to men without wanting to stab them in the eyes. How to talk to women you find attractive without coming across like a total sleazebag. How to make new friends because all your other ones have taken your partner’s side. How to interact with people without breaking down in tears.

Exercise activities. These will be fun, intense and cathartic. A rifle range will be set up for a ‘Shoot the solicitor’ session. Some martial arts training will be given so you can get out all that inner rage. Heavy intense exercises like biking riding and wrestling, boxing and a game of British Bulldog so you can sleep at night naturally, not crying into the pillow.

Happy Hour. You can go back and shower, and get yourself ready for an hour of drinks and nibbles, which will precede dinner. Dinner won’t be gruel but something a group of you have made in the afternoon to remind yourself that you can cook, you can succeed, and you will be a winner.

Disco: A little soiree where you can put all that you’ve learnt to the test. Advisors will be on hand to ensure that you succeed, judges will grade you and give you your scores back at the end of the night. By the end of the week you’ll all be getting 10 out of 10’s I assure you.

Bedtime. Before which you will repeat the mantra.

‘I am worth it. I am not a failure. I am not hopeless. I am a person in my own right and I will NEVER MARRY AGAIN!’

It’s a good idea isn’t it? Or am I just a bitter and twisted old fucker? Let me know how you’ve coped, or not. Or any hints and tips for how I can stop myself from becoming an misanthropic old bastard. Or any other suggestions for which courses could be run at my Divorce Camp? All comments in my usual pigeon’s hole please.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

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23 responses to “Divorce Camp

  1. Definitely a winner! I’m sure my husband would add how to avoid “stop snoring” jabs at night and recovering your share of missing duvet. Saying that I hope he doesn’t have to come lol!
    You’re doing great! It’s like any shitty situation, it gets better. You still have all of us rootin for ya πŸ™‚ Squishy hugs x

  2. Not sure what my reaction was supposed to be to this… But I cried… Tears rolling down my face.
    You are not a failure, you are not a sleaze, you are worth it, you are a completely amazing man and dad.

    Amazingly written blog – honest, vulnerable and witty.

    Hugs and snogs to you
    (air snogs of course)

  3. I would have booked for a fortnight if this was available 8 years ago. But I think I still went through it, but without the Drill Sgt (plus Gruel was replaced by fat inducing takeaways). A few years on (and a lot of Weight Watchers meetings) and not only did I meet the man who broke down all my pain, hurt, bitterness and ‘failings’ but I married and had kids with him. It happens. And its nice when it does :)….but you have to grieve and hurt and slob out first. And the good ones never get away (YOU being a good one!!). You didn’t fail. And ‘she’ is out there xxx

  4. I can’t disagree with Mothererf – mainly the time thing helps. Though I particularly liked the solicitor target practice thing as mine (not his!!) made my divorce worse.
    The friends thing also sucks but you know what, if someone you thought was just as much ‘your’ friend can’t be supportive, you really don’t want them around. It just screws with your head as time goes on.
    Oh I was also never going to marry again (i.e expose myself to the potential hurt plus I literally couldn’t conceive of it happening) but now gloriously, deeply, happily with the right man with a baby on the way.

    I *promise* that if you keep breathing in, breathing out, and wait out the storm, things will be good again. And by good I mean better than you could have ever possibly imagined.

  5. You. Are. Awesome. I know you’re gonna come out of all of this on top! ( no pun intended )
    Great post.
    XO

  6. It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow but divorce camp sounds like it could be fun.
    Seriously though you are still young and good looking you’ve got so much to look forward to.

      • 40 is very young – especially if you live to I dunno say 120!
        And thank you. It consisted of tooing and froing to different playgroups and schools/after-school clubs lol.

  7. Oh how I laughed at this post. You are a genius my dear, and you will find happiness. Can’t you and MoVo get it on? That’s a match made in obscure-made-up-word heaven.

  8. What a great blog honest real .witty..keep writing i like your venting it makes me feel normal…

  9. divorce camp sounds ace. if only i had one 9 years ago, then at least i would have been able to escape the private detective my ex husband had following me around!

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