Never leave a man behind

So DavCam and ALL his aides and assistants and a couple of other families they were lunching with, all managed to leave one of his children behind in a pub after a Sunday bender. Sambucas, pitchers of cocktails, the lot. A reet boozy do. I reckon.

The person on the radio just now said ‘Oh we’ve all done it.’

Have we? Certainly not me. I’ve never left so much as a bottle, a pair of sunglasses, a shoe, a stuffed toy, and cuddly blanket or a spoon behind let alone… MY OWN CHILD.

DavCam got in his car and assumed that his daughter was in the other car with the SamCam and the others. SamCam thought the child was in the other car with DavCam. Whoops!

If I’d done this the mother of my children would’ve screamed at me so much she would’ve ripped THE FLESH FROM MY BONES. But, apparently, it happens all the time.

Despite this ‘whoops we left our daughter in a boozer’ story you can be damn sure the Cams won’t be investigated by social services, or anything like that. Of course not. It was a mistake. A genuine one. Ha ha ha, let’s all laugh.

Leaving an 8 year old girl in a pub was a mistake.

Not doing a head count and thinking, right, before we leave let’s make sure we have ALL THE CHILDREN here and then we can leave was a mistake.

They have 3 children. It makes me think that perhaps they can’t count to 3. Which explains a lot.

Now, I don’t know if I smell a heady waft of the PR about this Tory story.

“Let’s make the Cameron’s sound like normal everyday people. Not extremely wealthy people who a lot of people think haven’t a clue about what goes on in the real world.”

“How shall we do this?”

“Let’s release the story about them leaving their daughter in a pub. Yeah that’ll do it. Everyone does it. My dad left me in a pub once and I’m fine now”

“I’ve never done it.”

“Oh fuck off YOU LITTLE WRETCH. Yeah? Wanna fight? Now. In the car park? EH EH EH?”

A lovely heartwarming story to make the general public see The Cameron’s as normal every day folk. Every day folk who leave their children behind, which works kinda well to the theme tune from The Wombles actually…

No. I don’t think it does. I think it makes them sound like fools. Complete and utter blithering idiots from the same mould as Tim Nice-But-Dim. Noobs.

But then I’m not a fan of their work.

Perhaps they’re releasing this story to bury some really bad news they’re about to spring on us. Like the fact that they’ve finally given Tesco permission to build a Death Star which will orbit our planet. Or they’ve sold off the Isle of Wight to China.

There are so many jokes one could make about this story and so little time. But I won’t, I’m not going there. I’m no comedian.

But I would like to offer The Camerons some advice. Next time you decide to get pished on a Sunday session, why not leave the kids with the babysitter, Mr Clegg?

Were you left anywhere as a child? Forgotten, abandoned in a pub? Did it traumatise you? Or have you ever left a man behind? In a pub? A supermarket? In a soft play centre?

Answers in my usual floom, and if I had a prize I’d offer it to the funniest one.

Thanks for reading.


30 responses to “Never leave a man behind

  1. Everyone is on about this but I can’t find the article!
    This is what happens on weekends when the nanny isn’t around. They forget that they have to actually look after their own child and there isn’t someone there to do it all for them!

  2. LOTS of folk questioning the timing of this release. Given the events were a good few weeks ago, why now? What BAD story are the spin doctors trying to bury?

  3. They are such prats if they actually believe it’s normal or acceptable to leave a child behind in a pub. I have NEVER left either of my children ANYWHERE!!!!!
    We’ve all done it?…. NO!!!!!

  4. When I was a cute little baby (I was once, honest) my grandmother took me into town for the day so she could show me off. I actually she just wanted the pram so she didn’t have to carry her shopping bags, but there you go. Anyway she merrily parked my pram up outside the shop, because in those days that’s what you did. And then she left the shop THROUGH THE OTHER DOOR. And there I say for 45 minutes, until she bumped into someone who happened to ask how her firstborn grandchild was doing.

    • Beautifully told, and did make me giggle a bit. Is that okay? You’re not traumatised by any of this? Bet your gran was a nit though.
      Thanks for reading and for a brilliant comment. πŸ™‚

  5. Why were they getting pissed when they had children to look after anyway… NEVER have me & “Him in doors” got sloshed together if we have the kids with us.. I am not shocked.. As Little Miss said, this is what happens when the real child raiser has time off.. Money obviously doesn’t give you sense…

  6. My ex’s big sister got left at the supermarket checkout when she was a couple of weeks old. His parents just kind of forgot they were parents because they were so new to it and hadn’t got into the routine of having a baby with them. They just packed up the shopping and walked out leaving the baby next to the carrier bags. Didn’t take them long to realise they had forgotten something!

  7. Simple rule – alcohol and child care does not mix. Leaving kids anywhere, is not a normal thing to do. My Mrs would have killed me, quite possibly literally if I came home sans child. And I would never forgive myself. I hope these posh twats feel suitably stupid – but you just know this is meant to be the “light hearted” headline grabber in place of some very bad news.

    • Thanks for reading and for commenting. I think it’s a poorly placed piece of news, however you dress it up it isn’t actually that light-hearted is it?

  8. I was abandoned by my parents and raised by The Ramones. It did me no harm, except leave me with a penchant for shades and bowl haircuts. I keep trying to abandon my children, but they keep following me. David Cameron is a despicable arse however, and this story doesn’t make me like him more, it just adds to the ever growing list of reasons not to trust him.

  9. Having 3 kids, I don’t know how you could leave a child behind. I believe it is time for the UK Prime Minister and his wife to take parenting classes. Being a Prime Minister does not make him that special to leave parenting classes out.

    • Good point, especially as his government has been banging on like a shed door about parenting classes.
      When he says “we’re all in this together” he obviously doesn’t mean “all in a car on the way home from the boozer.”
      Thanks for reading. πŸ™‚

  10. I’m one of those people who can see exactly how this happened and I’m not actually bothered by it.

    My dad used to take me and my brother to the pub on Sundays. Except the pub didn’t allow kids in, so we sat in the car (Renault Espace) while Dad had a lunchtime pint. Me and Bro had Coca-cola in glass bottles with straws, and packs of Beef and Onion crisps brought to us, and we listened to the radio and played cards. It was very civilised. I think DavCam’s kids were lucky to be taken IN to the pub in the first place!

    • I just feel that ‘forgetting’ your child is something a bit silly. Your situation sounds very different and fun, lovely memories, but simply forgetting to take your child home is a little noobish, IMHO. But, as I said, I’m not a massive fan of his so I’ll criticise most things he does. It’s my default setting. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for your comment and thanks for reading. Can I have a crisp now please?

  11. I can accept that mistakes happen, I have 4 children and have not yet lost or left any of them but I know very vigilant parents that have. I did once miss a letter about my son finishing school early so got a call asking me why I hadn’t collected him – I rushed to the school full of guilt, half tearful and my son added to it asking ‘why did you leave me mummy’ I felt like I had breached his trust – it was awful!
    So whilst it can happen I don’t think it is something to brush off as a normal or easy mistake to make. Why were they both drinking, were they driving their children after drinking, surely a child of a prominent figure is a kidnap target and should be watched even closer? What a twat he is, in charge of a country yet he can’t be trusted to watch 3 kids – eeek!!

  12. My sister said to me when she was pregnant what if I leave the baby somehwere and I was like there is no way you would. now she tries to lose her son but can’t!! πŸ˜‰
    Although my nan did leave my aunt outside the butchers once and got on the bus home!

  13. I can honestly say iv never left our children behind, even when we took the 3 step children out! seriously the cams are “proper” out of order, Lock them up and throw away the key πŸ˜‰ xx

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