Will you take the job?

“Will you take the job?”

It’s a question we’ve all been asked at some time after going through a trialling application process and interview. We’ve all done it, unless you’re incredibly rich, have never worked, have only run your own business or have lived in a cave.

But let me pose a question to you. There’s a certain job I’d like you to consider taking. I’ll describe the details and you let me know if you want it. Okay? Here are the details.

If you take this job there will be some days you’ll not want it any more, maybe want to pass it onto someone else, but know this. You can’t. You take this job and it’s a job for life.

The working hours are 18 hours a day, at least, sometimes more. Actually if you’re working full-time by yourself then it’ll be 24 hours a days, 7 days a week, for years.Your day could begin at 5.00am, finish at 9.00pm, by which point all you’ll want to do is go to bed and sleep, but you do so knowing that you may be needed at anytime during the night.

There’s no salary. Β£20 a week from the government, if you’re lucky. Your part-time coworker may give you some money to top this up. Sometimes they you’ll have to negotiate with them on this. Putting out may help with this, so be prepared for that.

You’ll be allowed holiday, but these holidays will be days like all the others, just in a different place. If you can afford to go on holiday, that is. In order to go on this holiday you’ll have to sort out all the paperwork, the packing, the washing, make sure you have everything prepared.
All while your new boss is trying to take everything out of the suitcase, or hide in the suitcase. Or put on all the clothing in the suitcase at the same time. And then squirt suncream at you.
And wear your shoes.

You cannot have a sick day. It’s not that you’ll be fired if you have one. You just CAN’T HAVE one.

You must feed your boss, wash your boss after feeding your boss, you must bath them, read to them, and launder all their clothes.

In order to get this job you must undergo a lot of physical pain, and changes to your body which may leave you with lasting backache, and or may change your body forever. Your hormones will be all over the shop and you may feel depressed. There are times when your boss will scream at you when you feel the lowest you’ve ever felt and the most tired you’ve ever felt.

You’ll be constantly putting yourself in third or even fourth place in the pecking order. Your boss comes first, your part-time help may come second, or third, depending on whether you have a pet. If you have a team of bosses then they will all take priority leaving you somewhere about six or seven in the pecking order.

Your boss will change his or her mind for no logical reason 20 times in a minute. He or she could bite you and physically and verbally abuse you and others.

You’re handing something sticky and slimy, something grumpy and already crying in your arms. You lock eyes, perhaps, if you’re lucky. Its skin against yours. It’s wriggling.

This is the first time you meet your new boss and immediately you decide. Immediately you realise you made this decision and, while it’s daunting and frightening, terrifying and unpredictable, joyous and dispiriting often in the same minute. You know. You know.

Well, I did. I know it’s not like this for everybody.

I took the job and set to work immediately. And it’s the best job I’ve ever had.

Thanks for reading.

20 responses to “Will you take the job?

  1. Great post! Yes, it’s the best job in the world and you can even get away with swearing in front of your new boss in the very early days too!

  2. Best job ever. Wouldn’t quit even if I could… πŸ™‚
    Oh and you forgot to mention how if you are allowed a toilet break, you may have to wait several hours to go, and even then your boss will want to watch… πŸ˜‰

  3. This made me chuckle so much I had to show my OH what I was laughing at. You’re spot on and a fabulous writer to boot. X

  4. From the birth of my first, til the 18th birthday of my third is 33 years. I would have got less time for murder. And there is no chance of parole. Bugger.
    All i can say is there are 3 bosses in my
    House who are lucky their faces are quite so appealing to me or I may have taken the murder option…

  5. You forgot to mention the ‘perks’ of a cold and weak cup of tea in a draughty church hall whilst watching your children play with germ encrusted ancient toys and being bitten by feral tots……or dancing to the groovy moves section of shoe-me show-me (office dancing was never so fun or indeed encouraged)

  6. PS For some reason my WP comment box only enables me to see 1/3 of what I’ve typed – clearly i meant show me not shoe me. Chris and Poi are not (to the best of my knowledge) foot fetishists…….

  7. worst job in the world? worst conditions? no perks? long hours? hard work? no thanks for it? all sounds familiar but when they give you the next generation and you reminisce together on this stage you know none of that mattered and that it really is all worth while…then they bring you grandchildren and you really can have lots of fun with little worry. best job in the world

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