Lost and found

I bought this book in Waterstones in Islington before my son was born. He was sitting there being made by his mum. She was at work, I was shopping.

I knew fark all about kids books but I decided to look about and saw this one with a boy and a penguin on the cover. I liked the artwork. I read it in the shop. I like penguins.

Dunno why, but I cried when I read it the first time. In the shop. Loss, finding people. Friendships. The page that STUCK in my head at the time, for whatever reason, was the one that said this;

‘That night, the boy couldn’t sleep for disappointment. He wanted to help the penguin but he didn’t know how.’

Sometimes you really want to help people, but you just don’t know how.

Because I only wanted the best for my children I bought the book in a box with the cuddly penguin with it. Cost me about Β£15 but so what eh? My now ex-wife said she could’ve got it through Ebay or Amazon for under a tenner.

So what, I bought it. Don’t tell me I’m wrong for doing so. Not for this. I wanted to buy it.

Three years pass.

I read it to my son last night. In his bedroom. He sat on my lap and I read the book to him.

At the end he said to me ‘What happened to the penguin daddy?’

‘He went back home with the little boy. They became friends.’

‘Am I the boy?’

‘No. You’re you.’

‘Are you the penguin Daddy? You seem lost.’

I asked him if he needed the toilet. He said ‘no. I’m fine’. I kissed him and wished him goodnight and sweet dreams. I told him I love him. I started to close the door.

‘You haven’t said you miss me Daddy. I miss you’ he said, not looking up from his train set.

‘I miss you son. Ffffffffffffflip I miss you. Goodnight and sweet dreams yeah?’

‘I love you Daddy.’

I closed the door and barely made it down the stairs because I was sobbing a soul out.



46 responses to “Lost and found

  1. And now I’m crying too…
    How amazing that T sees you as lost though. The kids will miss you as much as you miss them. So lovely that you still get to read them a bedtime story πŸ™‚

    • Once a week. Dunno how T got it, or saw something. Perhaps its the looking for each other thing. Dunno. But he’s a remarkably sensitive and perceptive boy.
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

    • Sometimes we just don’t know how so until they do that thing. And then leave you speechless.
      Thanks for reading.

  2. Very touching. It especially struck a cord as my partner has just left me and my girls and I too feel lost! We have the book and one day, when I’m feeling a bit stronger, OK a lot stronger, I will read it to my girls x

    • Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I truly wish you all the very best. If you’re doing this on your own now, it sounds like you’re pretty strong already.

  3. Aw man. I love, love, love that book. My OH bought it based on the artwork, whoever said never judge a book by its cover was so wrong. Super post *wipes snot and tears away* x

    • Bless you. It’s a lovely book but I wasn’t a massive fan of the cartoon. Dunno why, perhaps it overcomplicates a simple and beautiful story.
      Thanks for reading.

  4. I love that book. Lots of kids books make me weep. And so did this post. My bladder is too near me eyes- as my Irish granny used to say. Big hugs to you.

    • I’m the lucky one. To have two children as astonishing as they both are. But I’m biased. πŸ˜‰

  5. Beautiful post hun, your son is wonderfully perceptive, and sensitive, lovely qualities! Obviously the bookworm in me adores how the book means so much to both of you x

    • Exactly, and my daughter too. I can’t wait until she can communicate more as I feel she’ll be just as warm and sensitive as he.
      Thanks for reading.

    • Exactly. I’ll read it again to them both and tell them both that.
      Thanks for reading.

    • He’s a good lad, and we’re very proud of the boy he is now, and looking forward to seeing the boy he’ll become.
      Thanks for reading.

  6. Lovely and honest post Spencer. It’s amazing what these precious children of ours know. Crying now too. Much love, you will not be lost for too long for you have your kids and you have us. xxx

    • You’re so right. Sometimes their perception and intuition is overwhelming. Perhaps it got me yesterday I was feeling a little fragile and T knew that. He knows me very well that boy. Better than I know me sometimes.
      Thanks for reading, and, as always, your comments warm my heart. πŸ™‚

  7. I don’t read your blog often enough as you have the most incredible way with words: sometimes you really make me laugh and at other times (like today) you make me cry! Children are amazing and whatever happens they are always your children and will always love you.

    • Thanks. In this case I just wrote what happened. Which is sometimes the simplest thing to do.
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It’s much appreciated.

  8. Jesus … I am in bits. Knowing my state of mind right now I probably shouldn’t have read this. But I couldn’t help myself – it’s not often you find someone going through something so very similar … someone who just ‘gets it.’ And you ‘get it.’ I often feel lost. I hope to be found again one day.

  9. Beautiful post, how interesting that your son felt that, glad I discovered your blog, you are a very good writer.

  10. Oh my oh my oh my. Second time today I am crying about a boy’s relationship with his Dad.
    As upsetting (and well written) as this post is, it says buckets about your son too. Like you say he is sensitive and perceptive. He is a beautiful boy who will make a beautiful adult.
    Thanks for sharing.
    God I wonder if your ex-Missus knows how hard she sounds with her EBay/Amazon comment tssssk!
    Liska xxx

    • I don’t think the comment was made like that, or intended in that way. Truly. In fact, I know that. I know she likes hunting bargains down.
      Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.

  11. I missed this when it was posted. My my your boy is very in tune with his daddy. Such a heart breaking story, obvs I cried …. Again. You are so brave Spence, you’re doing a great job in a very difficult situation.

    I wanted to thank you so much for being open and honest about your feelings. I’ve seen many break ups where children are involved. I normally know the mothers side of the story but not the fathers. Not necessarily because I don’t know him but generally because men shut down emotionally and won’t talk about how they feel.

    ((big hugs)) Rach x

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